Opinion: Navigating the universal yet personal pain of grief

Mark Miller

provided by Mark Miller

Luke Miller

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Benjamin Franklin said, “Nothing is certain but death and taxes.” I would add one more certainty of our lives Franklin left out: grief. Because grief follows death, it’s part of the human condition.

On June 3, I was honored to begin my role as the executive director at Lost & Found Grief Center. When I started this job, it was not my first encounter with therapeutic grief support. On Jan. 10, 2019, my son Luke died due to complications from epilepsy. Luke, a 2017 Glendale graduate, was just 20 years old when he died. My wife, Kelly, and I received grief counseling at Lost & Found following Luke’s death.

Since then, I have learned a great deal about grief, a subject few people want to address but something everyone will encounter. We will all know someone who suffers a loss. Following Luke’s death, people would say, “I just don’t know what to say to you.”

I would reply, “That’s OK. If our roles were reversed, I wouldn’t know what to say to you.”

Grief therapists will tell you that there are no words to take the pain away from someone who is suffering, but there are things that well-meaning people say that can make grief worse. I’ve adapted some of these from the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, and I’ve also lived it.

• “He’s in a better place.” This one stings. My son’s place was here, making his way with his friends and family. Not dead at 20.
• “I lost both my parents when I was your age.” Comparing grief dismisses the grieving person’s feelings. It is better to maintain the focus on the grieving person.
• “At least he’s no longer suffering.” This attempt to cheer up a grieving person minimizes their sadness.
• “You must be incredibly angry.” Yes, I am. I do not need you to tell me.
• “You need to be strong for your family.” This statement can be devastating, especially directed at a child.

Typical expressions of condolences, such as, “I’m sorry for your loss” or “I’m thinking about your family,” are benign and easily received. You can also ask questions, such as:

• “Tell me about the memories you have of your (spouse, child, parent, sibling).”
• “What have you been thinking about since (person) died?”
• “How is your family? What concerns do you have about them?”

Whenever I meet a person who lost someone, I ask them, “What is their name?” I try to ask it in the present tense because, even though they died, that is still their name. Plus, the deceased person had a name; they are not just your spouse, child, sibling or parent who died. Calling the deceased person by name has a particular power to honor and prolong their memory.

Why am I writing about this subject in a business journal? Our colleagues and employees, at some time, will encounter grief. In fact, due to the physical and mental health issues related to grief, lower productivity, and having to replace workers who leave jobs due to grief, unresolved grief results in billions of dollars in lost productivity every year, according to a study by the Grief Recovery Institute.

Employers can help by evaluating their bereavement leave policies. My wife and I were fortunate to work at Ozarks Technical Community College when Luke died, and we received generous time off. However, a typical bereavement leave policy might allow three to five days for an immediate family member and one day for an extended family member. If you tragically lose a partner, child, sibling or parent, a few days is woefully inadequate.

It is also crucial to understand that grief is not a disease to be cured. Grief lasts forever, but there are strategies mourners can use to learn how to live happy and fulfilled lives. Lost & Found’s therapeutic grief support helps mourners learn these techniques so that they may incorporate grief into their lives.

In the Victorian Era, mourners wore black for months or even years following the death of a loved one. It was a way to honor the deceased and signal society to be gentle. While those wardrobe traditions are in the past, the need for kindness long after someone suffers a tragic loss is a timeless necessity.

Mark Miller is the executive director of Lost & Found Grief Center in Springfield. He can be reached
at mmiller@lostandfoundozarks.com.