Workplace Calisthenics: Deal with co-workers anger without getting angry

Do you know someone at work that is quietly seething about everything?

Just introduce the subject of children, God, flowers, chocolate or the Girl Scouts and this person will go off with some story of disgust or disillusionment.

Nothing is ever good enough, people are never smart enough, and, unquestionably, life has always dealt the worst hand to this Victim for All Seasons.

This bankrupt life is the result of spending precious emotional capital and never getting a return.

You and I have a right to be angry.

Anger is a legitimate human emotion which signals we are being physically or emotionally run over. When we "get angry," we are, literally, trying to preserve ourselves.

Therefore, there is no reason to apologize for the emotion of anger.

On the other hand, the co-worker we are talking about has made anger a trait, not an emotion.

Somewhere in his or her background (often in childhood), this person was genuinely victimized but never saw the payoff for being appropriate. He/she probably tried levelheaded negotiation, compromise, "thank-you's," Covey's win-win and even prayer but still got mowed down.

While nursing his/her pain of rejection, being misunderstood, passed over for the promotion, misrepresented, terminated or even being physically threatened, this individual decides the only way to survive is to hang on to the anger for dear life. Anger then becomes a survival technique to make sure he/she is never rolled over again.

So, how do you effectively work with someone who is consumed with rage? Here are some interventions you may want to consider.

First, besides being unpleasant, does this person's "anger quotient" affect issues of productivity? My point is there are quiet people and loud people; there are fast people and slow people; and there are happy people and angry people.

To be honest, if someone's personality trait is not affecting their work, their anger not your business.

If you are a supervisor, this first consideration is especially important.

Second, when the smoldering anger does intrude into getting the work done, wait until your emotions are under control before confronting.

You will be a living contradiction of everything you want to say if you go ballistic.

Your screaming voice, your jutting index finger slicing and dicing the air and your demeaning comments all say to the angry person, "This person has his/her own problems."

Third, choose a quiet place where the two of you will not be interrupted and say something, in total emotional control, like, "I am angry because of the outburst a few minutes ago. When you scream and threaten I do not want to be around you or do business with you.

Since we have to work together, I am asking that we work out some plan on what we will do or say when either of us gets angry."

Notice three aspects of my suggested verbal response.

am acting out what my words are saying. I can own anger without anger owning me.

am not trying to play "psychologist-for-a-day." My intervention is only about what just happened in the last hour. I am not trying to "heal" this person.

am making myself part of the solution. Notice "when either of us gets angry." If I project the message, "this is just your problem," this person gets to be the victim all over again.

Finally, if this seething individual does respond with, "I don't know what is wrong with me, I just seem to be so angry all the time," jump through that open door and make some suggestions on who can help this person discover the source of the anger.

Your company's employee assistance program, a clergy person, a licensed psychologist, or some other professional can, with confidentiality, lead this person back to the fountainhead of the rage.

Now, just to keep you and me honest in coping with raging co-workers please remember this: We all have the potential to be the subject of this column.

(Dr. Cal LeMon solves organizational problems with customized training and consulting. His company, The Executive Edge, can be contacted via the Business Journal at sbj@sbj.net.)