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Workplace Calisthenics

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by Cal LeMon

From Adam, who complained to God about his core partner, to Santa, who sniveled over the advent of flue covers, to your co-worker, who believes the copy machine is demon-possessed have you noticed they are everywhere?!

In this economic age of cutbacks and downsizing, there is no shortage of whiners. The constant complaining, stories of victimization and paranoid language mark the territory of this toxic person.

Since confession is good for the soul, I am a recovering whiner.

As a 7-year-old child who almost lost his life to a kidney disease, I learned that looking and acting pathetic was a fantastic way to get people to take care of me. Why, the mere mention of "feeling warm" could bring people running with thermometers and hugs. I loved it.

When I became an adult, I did not put away childish things. Why would I want to do that? This kid stuff still worked. Instead of looking sick, now I just looked overworked and underpaid, and people would come running again, only this time with bonuses and lighter laptops.

At the heart of whining is dependence. It is a belief that there are people and processes which determine my success. I have nonverbally learned to kiss up to power people and bureaucracies in order to keep my job. In my heart of hearts, I hated it.

My only recourse to expressing my anger (which is often political suicide) was to make people around me "pay" by whining. I know that my incessant complaining drove them crazy and that gave me some satisfaction that I still had some level of control. Pretty weird thinking, but, you know what, it works!

Well, how do you work with a whiner?

First, you have to stop reinforcing his or her behavior. All of us continue to behave or think in certain ways only when we get something in return. The whiner will continue to complain when there are co-workers who say, "OK, OK, I'll take care of that."

When you "take care" of a whiner, you are creating "learned helplessness." In other words, the very behavior you would like to extinguish, you encourage. Why would the whiner want to stop whining if this behavior continues to bring people running with perks and pats?

So, think about some of these responses the next time the complainometer person begins clicking off what is wrong. How about, "I know you are upset about the lack of incentive pay this past year. What action will you take to let the decision makers know how you feel?" Or, "I cannot help you with this project. What are the steps you need to take to get it finished on time?"

Please notice the use of the "I" statement instead of "you" (as in "You are one of the most disgusting persons I have every worked with"). And the initiative for fixing any problem is with the whiner; it is not with you. When you make the whiner part of the solution, the whining no longer is satisfying.

Second, give the whiner time constraints. These people know how important your time is to you and they can go on for hours. The longer they stay in your workplace, the more control they get when they watch you squirm and check your wristwatch.

When you know the whiner is getting ready for one of his/her marathon poor-me diatribes, begin with "I know you are concerned about X and I only have five minutes right now." This will help the whiner focus on the real issue and give you the right to move on. Please remember there are legitimate complaints which do need someone's attention.

Finally, teach a whiner a better way with your own example. Without setting up an overhead projector or using a flip chart, model how someone can handle disappointment and even victimization in the workplace. A statement like, "I really am upset about X but I am committed to making today a good day," is worth a million hours of business training classes.

They are everywhere! From the workplace being too hot or cold, to voice mail being the scourge of humanity, to the "employee of the month" being the latest manipulative trick of management, whiners are among us and singing the same eternal tune. Your worst choice is to join in on the chorus!

(Cal LeMon is an author, speaker and president of The Executive Edge, a management consultant firm.)

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