Unbelievable events rattle Rusty Saber

This being said, this week’s Rusty Saber takes on some “stuff” that has happened.

Hot for teacher

I may be wrong, but in the wake of several disturbing reports of female teachers having affairs with young male students, the media created a romantic fairytale out of the most highly publicized one: the absolutely outrageous marriage of former teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and her former sixth-grade student, Vili Fualaau.

An editorial comment: A reader once commented that this column reads like it is written to be read aloud. Since I am an old oral communication professor, this was an astute remark. Therefore, the following should be read in an irate, ranting voice, with forehead veins protruding:

This married adult teacher had sex with her sixth-grade student! The teacher and her sixth-grade student have two children! She has served 7 1/2 years for child abuse!

Because she is a paroled child molester who is forbidden to leave the state, the couple couldn’t take the romantic honeymoon they desired. How very sad.

Since the groom is no longer a minor, the wedding could not be prohibited. And if the nuptials weren’t gross enough, the media response was even more repulsive.

I don’t know what it cost, but the TV show “Entertainment Tonight” had exclusive video coverage of the wedding. As for me, I would have watched reruns of “Laverne and Shirley” before watching that “stuff” happening on video. However, I saw promotional spots hyping the wedding as though “Romeo and Juliet” had a new, happier ending.

Media covered it like a joyful occasion. Celebrity magazines did stories with layouts of the bride looking like a princess, dressed in white, gloriously wed to her knight in shining armor. Wedding guests were quoted about how happy everyone was.

Folks, this was a child molester marrying her victim!

End rant.

Feeding frenzy

I may be wrong, but sports TV network ESPN’s devoting two nights of prime time to the U.S. Open Competitive Eating Tournament is a sign that the Apocalypse is closer than anyone may think.

If you missed it, the coverage of this ‘’sporting event’’ was sponsored by Alka Seltzer.

Normally, I would have shunned a broadcast of these “athletes” stuffing food in their mouths. Purely for column research purposes, I watched very small blurbs from both shows.

My vocabulary lacks adjectives to describe the competition: Spaghetti on night one, salad the next. The spaghetti night was especially gross because of the sauce on participants’ faces as they poked the pasta in with hands cupped at their mouths like chipmunks stuffing sunflower seeds into their cheeks.

If you saw any of the contest, you know that it was covered as a for-real tournament, with prizes and everything. The advertising message must be: If you stuff your face like a champion, relief is only an Alka Seltzer away. I may be wrong, but I don’t believe I am.

Jail time a career builder

I may be wrong, but doing hard time in jail seems to have been a positive career move for Martha Stewart.

During the ponderous coverage of her federal trial for lying to the FBI, one would have thought her career was dead. Since her early release to home confinement, it’s been a ride on the gravy train express. Her every move with ankle bracelet monitor has been covered by a fawning news media.

Martha’s company is going great guns. As soon as she sheds her ankle monitor, she has two new TV shows on tap. Who knows what other goodies will come her way?

Being an ex-con has been a positive career move for Martha Stewart.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.