Traffic logic redefined by Springfield drivers

The more that I contemplate the world around me, the more convinced I become that survival depends upon our ability to adapt to things as they are, not how they ought to be. The best example to come to my mind is the unique experience of driving in Springfield traffic.

We all know that there is a right way for traffic to flow. We have laws and regulations, traffic signals and signs that pretty well guide us in our efforts to move from point A to point B. With this in mind, we also admit that there is the cold, sometimes harsh reality of how traffic actually flows.

First, there is the Law of Illogical Crossovers, which states that if you are making a turn onto a four-lane street, never, never, never assume that one of the two lanes in your path belongs to you. This law of nature states that the driver coming in the opposite direction, turning onto the same street, will always cross over and take the lane that logically belongs to you. Of course, in the event that you get turned first, the law allows you to cross over into the other driver's lane.

Fundamental to survival is to know the Law of Redefined Colors. This simple little law is concerned with how Springfield defines the meaning of the color of traffic lights. Green means go. Amber means go. Amber changing to red means go faster. Red means go even faster if it was amber anytime within the last few seconds. An extended red means stop, unless you want to keep going. Red absolutely means stop only when the forward progress of the car would be impaired by too many cars in the intersection. This takes place only when there are some foolish drivers who insist upon going when the green light is in their favor.

The above law leads to a necessary lifesaving maneuver which I call the Queen City One-Step. Remembering the Law of Redefined Color, one begins the maneuver when stopped for a red light. When the light changes to green, start forward. This will lull the drivers behind you into thinking that they are going somewhere. After one revolution of the wheels, stop, allowing four additional cars to run the red light. Start forward again. In the event that the fifth car comes through the intersection, activate the Queen City Two-Step, which means simply that you stop again. Move into the intersection when you are certain beyond all shadow of a doubt that every one has stopped.

This maneuver will annoy the drivers behind you; however, it (they, if both must be used) will help ensure that you live to see your children grow into adults.

There is a slight variation to this maneuver called the Springfield Backtrack. When you are stopped for a red light, and traffic is turning in front of you on a turn arrow, do not under any circumstances go forward when you get a green light. Rather, allow the traditional four cars to proceed in front of you. As the fifth car prepares to turn, backup one car length even if it means hitting the car behind you. The reason for this strange action is that the car beside you will foolishly move into the intersection. The ensuing collision will probably dump one or both cars into the spot you once occupied.

If you can determine without question that the driver of the car in the lane beside you has lived in Springfield for five years or more, it will not be necessary to activate this maneuver because he or she will not be so foolhardy to go on a green light. In this case, wait until the all clear siren sounds and go forward, assuming the light is still green. If it has turned red, go on through it anyway because everyone will expect you to.

I have only touched the surface on this knotty problem. There will be more to come. In the meantime, be careful. The life you save may be mine.