Take action at work to fight no more forever

Have you started the new millennium with last century's conflict? All of the euphoria of New Year's Eve, with its tantalizing slide of the Waterford crystal ball in Times Square or waterfall fireworks in Sydney, did not eradicate the stealthy glares or caustic comments of someone at work.

What are you going to do? You can cross your fingers hoping the Tooth Fairy and any unemployed divinity will magically, overnight, change your difficult person into some throwback, 1960s tree-hugging do-gooder. Don't hold your breath.

Or, you can wait until this person presses all the right buttons on your psyche and then start giving him a piece of your mind (which you know you cannot spare because you regularly cannot remember where you left your glasses).

Neither of these options is realistic. You need a plan.

Let me suggest the following skills to bring workplace conflicts to a quick conclusion. Please note: I am not promising a miracle cure for conflict, just a plan that offers options other than the passive and aggressive roles that have always failed.

Begin by writing down how the other person views you and the conflict. I can hear you screaming from this end of town that you will never do this. Well, if you are unwilling to think and feel what the other person may be experiencing, there will be no resolution to this conflict.

Please notice I did not say you have to agree with the reasoning or gut responses from the other side. But, if you cannot slip into this person's shoes, you will have no ability to develop a strategy to make the ultimate solution positive for both of you. In other words, if you don't know, or care to know, what your antagonist's issues are, then this will just be a shouting match.

Once you can understand how the conflict seems to the other person, turn the page and keep writing. On the new page, write a conversational statement of what you want to say to your difficult person.

Let me make a suggestion. Do not begin with, "You are nothing but pond scum in my life." Not good. Notice the use of the personal pronoun "you," in the second person, when the point is to be accusatory. If you begin to resolve conflict with a "you" statement, get ready for this encounter to rival any of the fireworks displays you saw on New Year's Eve.

Try this: "I am concerned about what the two of us have not been saying to each other. I would like to represent how I am thinking and feeling about the conflict between us. I am asking that you listen to my position and then respond."

Notice the use of the personal pronoun "I," in the first person, throughout this opening statement. When you represent just yourself, instead of accusing the other person, you have created an environment for the two of you to disagree without ripping out each other's jugulars.

Once you have mastered the words, take some time reading your statement out loud to a basement furnace, pet or understanding significant other. Even though the words may be correct, tone can still be the sulfuric acid of any relationship. You have to hear it out loud to know how it will be received.

Next, it is time to make an appointment to begin the process of conflict resolution. This is, in my opinion, the most difficult step. The person who takes the initiative for the appointment has the right to start the conversation. Wouldn't you like the advantage of speaking first?

Make sure the time and place are neutral and interruption-proof. The last thing you want is a beeper to go off, a telephone to ring or someone to barge into the room at the moment when the other person is deciding how to respond to you. This is a small item, but it can become the iceberg that sinks your best efforts.

Once your difficult person begins to respond, work on these personal priorities: control your emotions, keep intermittent eye contact, appeal to what the two of you have to gain by resolving this conflict, summarize those issues that the two of you agree about, determine a strategy for how each of you can walk away with benefits and, even if you did not resolve, at this time, your differences, thank the person for working with you.

If you did not like my plan, then make up your own. Your worst choice is to do nothing. Life is just too short to be sniping, seething and sneering every workday.

(Dr. Cal LeMon solves organizational problems with customized training and consulting. His company, The Executive Edge, can be contacted at the Business Journal by writing to PO Box 1365, Springfield 65801, or by e-mail at sbj@sbj.net.)