Successfully Speaking: Style differences trigger misunderstandings, judgments

Located in Springfield, Jane Sanders has expertise in gender communication, authentic leadership, presentation skills and meeting facilitation.

Let's take a look at how style differences can trigger misperceptions, conflicts and confusion with people of the opposite sex style. First, we'll identify the style, as with the feminine styles listed in the left column in the box at right, then discuss how men, or people with a masculine communication style, often misunderstand and misperceive the feminine style.

I wish I could include all the style/perception information in one article, but it won't fit! These are just a few to get started.

Women, being very consensus-oriented, often discuss decisions. They may know exactly what they want to do, but because they want people to feel valued and involved, they ask others for their opinions. Men, who generally make decisions independently, see women asking for input (for help, in their view), and assume women can't make their own decisions. Men see asking questions as an activity that makes them appear incompetent and less effective. If women ask questions, they must be inferior, unintelligent or not savvy about what's going on. Therefore, men conclude that women are indecisive, insecure and, thus, not good management material.

Another way this softer style of communication plays out is with inclusive language. For example, when giving directions or an assignment, women might say, "Let's do this, OK?" (similar to how I began this article) or "How about if we do it this way?" What they intend and often are thinking is the masculine version: "Do this," or "Here's what I want you to do." But they don't want to be viewed as harsh or bossy so they soften communication, positioning orders as requests or suggestions.

Men, who use a stronger, more direct style, witness this softer approach and again assume that women are weak and incompetent, too indecisive for management positions. It's just a style difference.

Young girls are taught not to brag by both their mothers and playmates. Friends will ostracize boastful girls. Consequently, girls who don't brag grow up to be women who don't sell or promote themselves within organizations and don't publicize their accomplishments. As a result, men (or women comparing employees of both sexes) underestimate the talent and skills of their female staff and see them as insecure.

So, ladies, speak with confidence and conviction. Take credit for your strengths and make sure those who matter know about them. Write weekly reports to your boss, or meet with him or her on a regular basis to update your achievements and progress. Keep it brief and to the point, and don't offer details unless asked.

Women discuss problems and feelings. This is how women bond and process information. Discussing problems and feelings also is a form of consensus building, another feminine style. But men, who don't discuss problems and feelings as a general rule, watch a woman talking about things that are bothering her, and think to themselves, "Yikes! She is a bottomless pit of problems, an emotional basket case. She is going to fall apart here any minute!" Men, who process things internally, assume women are weak, troubled and too emotional.

Ouch! There's that "too" word again, the one that implies wrong or bad. Women are generally "more" emotional than men, period. It's just a different style; it's not wrong. See how the word "too" makes a negative judgment?

Men, please remember that women simply share more and process out loud. Women generally are more verbal than men. Do some women talk just to talk? You bet they do. And that's OK in most situations. It's just a style difference.

We need to be aware not only of how we might be misperceiving others, but also of how we might be misperceived, so that we can adjust our perceptions and our behaviors. Each gender must accept half of the responsibility to help stop the battle between the sexes.