Successfully Speaking: Men, women approach communications differently

Located in Springfield, Jane Sanders has expertise in gender communication, authentic leadership for women, presentation skills and meeting facilitation.

It's no wonder conflict and confusion are practically guaranteed when one is dealing with the opposite sex. Here are three behavioral differences in men and women that contribute to miscommunication.

Asking for help

It can be difficult for men to ask for help because of their independence and superiority wiring. Of course, the first example that my seminar attendees mention is asking for directions. (That's probably why Jimmy Hoffa is still missing he refuses to ask for directions!) On the other hand, women usually don't mind asking for help.

Conflict direct vs. avoidance

Men tend to handle conflict directly, again due to the competition and superiority programming. Women, however, often avoid and fear conflict. They have been taught not to hurt anybody's feelings. They've been programmed that if they make somebody mad, they might die. (In "caveman" times, if a woman's partner left her, she and her children would likely die due to no protection, shelter and food.) This is deep, deep stuff.

In many cases women (especially businesswomen) will engage in conflict, but only when they see no other alternative. A little self-disclosure here I can be assertive, and I will step up to conflict if I must, but inside I am very nervous and frightened.

Brief vs. detailed

Men, programmed to communicate in order to keep people alive, to keep the species going, usually speak briefly and to the point. They communicate to solve problems, to figure things out, whereas women communicate to bond, relate and be understood. So, women discuss things in more detail.

One of my sisters, Kathy, was the assistant administrator of a rehabilitation hospital in San Antonio. A patient turned in a complaint about one of the nurses who worked for Kathy, so Kathy filled out a two-page report asking the nurse to follow protocol.

Kathy sent the report to her boss, and it came back the next day with a note that said, "What does this say?" Kathy wrote on it, "Nurse did bad, nurse told if she does bad again she's fired." She sent it back up and didn't hear another word from her boss. That's all he wanted to know. He wanted the bottom line.

A business associate of mine is president of a high-profile trade organization. One of the women who reports to him, an attorney, keeps him posted, in excruciating detail, about every situation she is involved with. Her level of exactness is tiresome to many of her co-workers. My friend is patient with her and allows her to work within her comfort range, which means making sure he knows everything that she knows, because she ultimately does very good work.

He says it takes more time than necessary, but he finds it a worthwhile investment as the end product is very good. I think this attorney should count her blessings that she has such an understanding boss. Most men and women with a masculine communication style would not have the patience to listen to all the details.

None of these differences are right or wrong. We view the other sex through our own styles and doing so often backfires. We judge and make assumptions that others are intentionally trying to be difficult, or are wimpy, insecure, curt and rude, or too talkative. We are programmed differently for survival reasons. Let's give each other a break, and better yet, the benefit of the doubt that our intentions are good.