Successfully Speaking: Aggressive traits viewed differently in men, women

Located in Springfield, Jane Sanders has expertise in gender communication, authentic leadership for women, presentation skills and meeting facilitation.

Let's continue to look at behavioral differences between men and women. So many of these opposing traits stem from centuries of programming conditioning developed for survival purposes and appropriate to each gender's responsibilities. And, of course, hormones!

But which came first, the hormonal differences or the social differences nature or nurture?

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter. The impact is the same. Men and women are programmed differently and that results in very different behavior, even under similar circumstances. Regarding the expression of anger or aggression, these differences manifest not only in observed action variations, but also perception dissimilarities and judgments.

It is socially more acceptable for men, rather than women, to show anger and aggression. Remember from my past columns that men were programmed for competition and superiority. They also have 10 times more testosterone than women, and both of these differences lead to a higher level of aggression.

This doesn't mean anger and aggression are the best choice for men; actually, far from it. This knowledge only means that such behavior makes sense biologically and socially, at least from a programming perspective.

On the other hand, it is not socially acceptable for women to show anger and aggression. Yes, we are getting more open-minded and less judgmental about this, but we still have a long way to go.

Hundreds of years ago, when the Japanese first started training the Samurai Warriors, they trained women as well as men. Women were just as accurate with their weapons as men. But they stopped including women because they were being killed much more often. Why? Women would held back and attacked only when they were 100 percent certain the enemy meant them harm. They couldn't be 100 percent certain until the sword was already in their bellies. Their tendency to hold back aggression was costing them their lives.

I've heard it said that in the workplace, when a man loses his temper and yells, it's viewed as taking control. When a woman loses her temper and yells, it's viewed as losing control. It's the same behavior, yet totally disparate perceptions due solely to gender differences. Neither gender benefits from this kind of unprofessional behavior.

Haven't you had the same perceptions and judgments? Even women label other women as out of control, or at least out of line, when they lose their tempers in the workplace. That's because we expect members of our own gender to fall under the expected behavior traits of the gender as a whole, and women are expected to be harmonious, gentle and compassionate.

Men also expect each other to be tough and independent, thus they tease other men with more sensitive, nurturing personalities.

There is nothing wrong with women being assertive. My advice is to be polite at the same time. And take opportunities outside of meetings to let your softer side show through. I am not referring to flirty, giggly traits, but to the feminine characteristics of connection, harmony and compassion.

Treat others with respect and compassion, do the best job you can, and communicate clearly, concisely and politely. You can't be respectful and polite, and be yelling at the same time.

It's not about "not yelling." It's about being respectful and polite. It just happens that the two are mutually exclusive. Be yourself and others will understand and grow comfortable with your style.

Regardless of society's less punishing opinion of tempers in the office, the same suggestions apply to men. Research shows that people prefer a direct, compassionate and supportive approach. Aggressive behavior may be more understood coming from men, but is no longer accepted as appropriate.

Respect and courtesy are always the wisest choice and yield the best results.