Striking right balance key to maintaining 'normal' life

Barbara Ray is general manager of The Montclair Retirement Community, where she has been employed for 15 years.

Picture a game of tug of war, and you are in the middle. On one side are your kids and your spouse or significant other. On the other side are your aging parents, your job commitments and your friends. Both sides are holding on and pulling with all their might. Everybody wants and needs something from you. Your arms pull and stretch, growing longer and thinner until snap!

Who doesn't know that feeling in this day and age of trying to give everything and everybody 100 percent of ourselves? But we aren't any good to anyone if we're depleted, exhausted and drained. Why is finding a balance so hard to do? Here are some tips that may be helpful:

Don't compare yourself to anyone else. Too often, we compare ourselves to the person who does it all works in and out of the home, exercises, volunteers and keeps the house and yard perfect. We let ourselves feel guilty when we hear comments like, "My mother and father managed to raise five kids, take care of their parents and never complain."

Instead of comparing, accept yourself for who you are. You do the best you can. When you stop comparing, you start realizing and accepting your limits. That's the first step to finding a balance.

Also, remember that times and lifestyles have changed drastically over the past 20 to 30 years. For example, child care and elder care responsibilities are more of a challenge because more women are working outside the home; families today are dealing with more chronic, disabling diseases and issues of long-term care due to increased life expectancy; and families live farther apart from each other than they used to.

Get your priorities straight.

Not everything and everyone can be your top priority. At some point, something has to give. Here are tips for dealing with those situations.

Sit down and list your top five priorities. Then ask yourself, "Do I really live my life according to these priorities?" If your immediate family is at the top of the list, but they are always taking a back seat to work, then maybe you need to rethink things.

Ask yourself under what circumstances you choose to push someone or something up or down on the priority list. Is it when your mother calls needing milk or when your boss gives you a deadline that you have to meet? Or is it when your daughter needs help with a school project? You may need to discuss what defines an emergency situation. This discussion is especially important in negotiating responsibilities with your spouse, kids and aging parents.

When your child, spouse or aging parent makes a request of you, stop to think about whether it is a priority for you. Is it something you need to do? Is there an alternative or a way you can delegate the task?

Don't waste your time with activities you don't want to do. There are plenty of things in life that you have to do, such as going to work and paying bills.

Change what you can.

You can take certain steps to make achieving a balance easier. Some of these things may take courage, and some may take resources, but in the long run, it's worth it.

Obtain help with tasks that don't absolutely have to be done by you. Getting a housekeeper and a lawn service can free up valuable time for those things you must do.

Just as you obtain outside help for yourself, obtain help for your aging parents. Hire someone to clean your mom's home, cut the grass, deliver meals or provide transportation. You'll enjoy your visits more if you're not working the whole time.

See if you can make your work environment more flexible. Can you adjust your work day to start later in the morning so you can drop the kids off, or stop by and see your parents, before you go to work?

Go out to dinner once a week, or make Thursdays "pizza night." It's inexpensive and you don't have to worry about preparing a meal. Cook when you want to, but don't feel like you have to make a gourmet meal every night.

Make time for activities that are fun.

Give some thought to what you enjoy doing, and then put it into your schedule. Achieving a balance in life includes both work and play.

Exercise can be fun, and it's good for you. Make time for whatever types of exercise you enjoy.

Schedule dinner with friends, or watch a movie. Be sure to laugh humor can be wonderfully refreshing.

You may have to admit that you're no "superwoman" or "superman," and that you need some help. Seek some expert advice or talk to someone who can understand your situation, give you direction and be a supportive, listening ear.