Stress springs from lack of psychic safety

Even if you have just spent two weeks in Monaco, a month on the penthouse floor of the Peninsula Hotel in Hong Kong or six months on a cruise around the world, you will salivate at the thought, “I’m going home tomorrow.”

The familiarity of fences and faces will entice you back to what you desperately needed to leave.

And, the best part of any home is that it is “safe.”

Not only can you lock the doors and windows, but you can be “safe” to just be … you.

Slip on those faded jeans or that threadbare robe, sip a cup of coffee just the way you want it, turn on the CD you have listened to a gazillion times and say what you are thinking without filtering it through the sieve of political correctness.

Ah, in bare feet with no need for deodorant, the delight of going home and being safe.

I have come to the conclusion that the absence of psychic safety is the genesis of our stress.

When an employee refuses to respond to the question, “What do you think is the biggest cause of our low morale?” this person does not feel safe.

When a spouse decides to hide the Visa bill in the junk drawer, this partner does not feel safe.

When a frontline manager rolls his eyes and sighs heavily as the CEO announces a new “Values in Action” initiative in the annual company meeting, this person does not feel safe.

The lack of safety is the predominant malady among us.

It is my opinion that the majority of us, in both personal and professional relationships, err on the side of silence.

We have watched from the sidelines far too many

people speak their minds only to regret the parting of their lips.

The result is a passive, desultory existence marked by occasional fits of rage.

So what am I recommending?

I have three suggestions.

First, redirect all of the energy that it takes to complain about your victimizing job, marriage or Sunday school class into creating your own internal safe zone.

That’s right – create your own safe home area between your ears.

This means you keep saying to yourself, “There is nothing anyone can do or say to me that will make me the victim.”

Please notice, there is a lot that can victimize us, but only we make ourselves victims.

You can go to your doctor because you are having a quick sharp pain only to find out you have six months to live.

You have been victimized by terminal illness, but you will decide if you are the victim in the next six months.

People at work might start making kissing noises because you were congratulated by your boss for a job done on time and under budget.

You have been victimized, but you will decide if you are the victim.

If you decide never to be the victim, then what is there to fear? If you are not afraid, then you are “safe.”

Second, tell the truth. Yes, I know the classic question, “Do I look fat in this dress?” You are screaming right now, “Don’t say it!”

But if I lie, I live a lie. I would say, “You know, the design and color of that dress, in my opinion, is not the best choice for you.”

When I’m truthful, I’m safe.

Finally, take the long view.

If you are my age, you know that one day you will wake up and scream, “Where did my life go?”

Life is just too short to wimp your way through one month after another only to be lifted into a rocking chair and drool out the words, “I wish I had been an authentic person.”

It is time to go home.

Cal LeMon of Springfield-based Executive Enrichment Inc. solves organizational problems with customized training and consulting.