SATIRE: Taco Bell warns employees against directly exposing skin to food

The nation's largest supplier of Tex-Mex cuisine issued new employee rules regarding food handling this week: Exposing skin to menu items may prove dangerous.

The Onion reports the directives, which apply to every item on the menu, require employees to notify their shift manager immediately if Taco Bell ingredients make even brief surface contact with any part of their body, with the exception of instances when items come in contact with the eyes, in which case all workers are instructed to use the nearest emergency eye wash fountain “without delay.”

The new manuel also details other safety measures, such as limiting kitchen time to three hours, to seal broken taco shells in specially-marked bags, submit to periodic testing with a toxicologist and dispose of clothing soiled with zesty pepper jack sauce as soon as possible.

“It is absolutely imperative that the cheesy gordita crunch be assembled behind a pane of protective glass until the moment it is served to customers,” the Onion reports. “There can be no exceptions to this rule.”

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