Rusty Saber: Stupid human tricks from man on Maui

A couple of thoughts this week from your intrepid reporter on Maui.

David Letterman's coronary bypass surgery has been much in the news of late. Since I myself have twice experienced the same procedure, I feel a certain kinship with Letterman.

By the time this installment of the Rusty Saber hits the streets, he will probably be home from the hospital and well on his way to full recovery. But for now, he is in the hospital and CBS is resisting bringing in a guest host, opting instead for reruns.

I don't know about the guest host vs. reruns business, but I do know that when I heard about his operation, I actually felt more than a kinship. I felt that I should go to his hospital room and entertain him. You know, tell him some jokes; maybe lay a Top Ten list on him or something.

Doubtless you are asking: Why in the world do I feel obligated to entertain David Letterman?

It just seemed like the fair thing to do. After all, he entertained me when I was recuperating from the same surgery. Not only that, but during several other stints in the hospital, Dave entertained me late at night when I needed to be diverted.

He made me laugh when laughs were hard to come by. It just seemed that, with the shoe on the other foot, I should go entertain him, maybe do a Stupid Human Trick or read a Rusty Saber column aloud (those two things would be one and the same, by the way).

Oh, well. He's probably regaining his strength without my help. Besides, hospital security probably would have tossed me out the door had I showed up at his room, demanding to be let in to do my act.

I was shopping in a mall recently and noticed a sign for sale in one of the stores: Mahalo for Removing your Shoes Before Entering. Mahalo means thank you and, next to Aloha, is perhaps the most used word in Hawaiian lexicon, at least among tourists.

At first sight, the sign seemed to be the equivalent of No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service, a very negative sign. It's not quite as negative because it thanks you in advance for doing something. This friendly, but negative, sign is for beachfront properties where visitors would track in sand on their shoes.

It wasn't that single sign by itself that caught my attention, it was other signs surrounding it. One read: No Smoking, No Eating, No Drinking. Another sign adjacent to some tiny objects said Do Not Touch. Ask Clerk For Assistance. Another sign near yet more delicate items said Parents, Please Control Your Children.

I half expected to see a sign saying Do Not Come In Here.

Goodness, all those negatives aren't very inviting. I mean, if you are behaving yourself, you may very carefully enter the store to buy a sign telling people to take off their shoes before entering. If not, stay away! However, I have to side with the owner of the store who had good reason to post the signs.

When Moses brought the Ten Commandments down from the mountain, he could have said, "Listen up. You people may find these to be a bit negative, but you brought them on yourselves."

The Ten Commandments consists of "thou shalt nots," not "thou cans." These shalt nots were things they were already doing. Had the Israelites been behaving themselves, there would have been no Ten Commandments.

Same deal with the signs. They are posted because the store owner knows what people will likely do if there are no signs. Customers reading the signs have seen them before.

The mall was a no-smoking facility, so the no smoking sign was redundant, although negative enough to put-off customers. The store owner knew enough about human nature to know that without the signs, people would be fingering merchandise while eating greasy food and spilling drinks. They would handle fragile items with ham fists, while allowing their children to go unsupervised. Customers, not store owners, are responsible for the negative signs.

If no one had ever tracked sand into a beach condo, there would be no need for a sign saying mahalo for not doing it. Likewise, there is good reason for No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service.

It's true, though, that we act as if Thou shalt not follow signs were our first commandment.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)