Rusty Saber: Rusty kingdom would benefit from king's wisdom

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.

In the movie "History of the World, Part One," a truly funny man, Mel Brooks, played the role of King Louis IV of France. In this semi-historical comedy, whenever Brooks was accorded some royal indulgence because he was an absolute monarch, he would turn to the movie audience with a smirk and say, "It's good to be king!"

This gag line was employed more than once, always getting laughs. But, seriously folks, would it really be good to be king? I think it would, depending on what the king did. I know what I would do.

If I were king, no political campaign commercial could claim that the candidate had been courageous enough to "stand up to big " Fill in the blank with big anything; big business, big labor, big medical industry, big whatever. The king doesn't want to hear about it. The same ban would apply to candidates claiming their opponent "wants" to do something, such as depriving elderly people of food or medical care or polluting air and water.

Wait a minute. I'm the king! There would be no politicians, no elections, no political campaigns, hence, no outlandish campaign claims and charges. It's good to be king!

If I were king, taxes would be collected only for services absolutely necessary. Tax laws would be simple enough that anyone with a measurable IQ could figure out how much they owe. The initials IRS would stand for Immediate Return Service. Its sole duty would be to return to taxpayers any money left over after all the government's bills are paid.

If I were king, those bringing lawsuits declared to be frivolous (not knowing that a cup of coffee was hot or that triple cheeseburgers, fries and milkshakes were fattening) would have to pay all legal fees. Conversely, when citizens are charged with crimes and found not guilty, the prosecution would pay all the legal fees.

As king, I would mandate that bicycle lanes be available on the kingdom's streets. By royal decree, bicycling would become a safe, environmentally clean alternative means of transportation.

However, there would be no free lunch in the kingdom. Streets would be paid for by the users through sales and taxes on cars and gasoline, and licenses for both cars and drivers. Bicycle riders would pay their way by purchasing yearly licenses.

On the subject of driver's licenses, drivers would have to demonstrate enough maturity to drive safely, which might come at age 18 or 50, maybe never.

Drivers failing to stop for pedestrians in crosswalks would spend the day with arms and feet confined in stocks at busy intersections as a warning. Second offenders would be introduced to the king's dungeon!

Drivers turning in front of oncoming traffic after the turn arrow has gone off, making obscene gestures at the cars honking as they try to avoid collisions, would be treated like the children they are. They would be sentenced to timeouts, to be held for an undetermined time in the dampest, darkest corner of the king's dungeon.

Free education would be provided for all citizens in the kingdom. Before a student would be allowed to drop out of school, a required escorted "field trip" would take the students out to see what is in store for dropouts in a high-tech world.

If I were king, teen-age drivers playing music so loud that the streets vibrate, would be confined to their cars overnight, listening to Lawrence Welk recordings turned up very loud. Cruel and unusual? No way. This punishment fits the crime.

Since rudeness would be unlawful, cellular phone usage would be banned in public places where others have no choice but to listen to what is being said. Finally, the "Great Seal" of the realm would be emblazoned on everything with a flat surface: Long Live the King! Yes, it's good to be king!