Rusty Saber: PC police set for another raid on vernacular

Knowing that I am a fan of political correctness, it should come as no surprise that Rusty Saber is recommending some up-to-date entries into the glossary of politically correct parlance.

The eternal search for more of these phrases is, well, it is just that, eternal. A constant bone of contention of the Political Correct Police (hereafter referred to as PCP) is with mascots and or nicknames of athletic teams. Missouri's Major League Baseball teams are probably safe from disparagement by groups so often inflamed by team names. The St. Louis Cardinals and Kansas City Royals couldn't possibly insult anyone. Could they?

Our professional football teams are another matter indeed. The Kansas City Chiefs are named for leaders of Indian tribes: what a horrible insult. In order to maintain the leader concept, the Rusty Saber recommends the name be changed to the Kansas City CEO's.

The St. Louis Rams, a male animal, creates a severe gender issue, which is right down the PCP's alley. Changing to the St. Louis Ewes wouldn't solve the problem. I've got it. The St. Louis Ovines; that should keep demonstrators out of the streets.

The Cincinnati Reds baseball team poses another problem. The team was originally named for the color of their socks, like the Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox. Somewhere along the way the Cincinnati Redlegs evolved into the Reds. But, to the PCP, "Reds" might refer to the color of the skin of the players legs. In order to be offensive to absolutely no one, baseball fans, meet the Cincinnati Ecrus!

There can be little doubt but what the San Diego Padres and Anaheim Angels present ominous issues of church and state, well, maybe not church and state, but at least church and baseball. Not only is a padre a religious cleric, but a male figure! Of course, an angel is a religious symbol; angels appear throughout the Bible. The Rusty Saber to the rescue. Drum roll please: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the San Diego Parents and the Anaheim Innocents!

Without question, the politically incorrect baseball teams most in need of a fix are the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians. The solution for Cleveland is simple. Instead of Indians, they become the Cleveland Diverse Peoples, the world's first New Age baseball team. A brave is not only an Indian warrior, but also an adjective for courage. The second definition, the courageous one, solves the problem: The Atlanta Heroes.

The PCP are everywhere, making certain phrases that might be offensive to someone somewhere are expunged from the American lexicon. I want to help in this important work, and there is so much to do. For instance, "overweight people" are often described in unkind terms. Those heavy in the backside can't exist in a politically correct society and be said to have a fat butt; rather they have a "physically extended posterior."

A "fat gut" should be a "physically extended midriff." If the tummy is a "beer gut," it becomes a "malt-and-hops long-term storage facility."

Being "obese" ought to be "overextended torso." A PCP acceptable term for one who is "ugly" would be "cosmetically deficient." A "clumsy clod" could have "disoriented coordination." One who is "dead" is, in a politically correct world, a "former life form." A "truly unprincipled person" shouldn't be called a sleazeball, but one who "exhibits negative trustworthiness."

A "panhandler" should be an "urban sidewalk fund-raising specialist." It isn't nice to call an "old person" an "old geezer," but "chronologically gifted" is perfect PCP lingo. However, as a dues-paying, bonafide old geezer, I'm not offended by geezer.

If one is "ignorant," you must refer to them as "possessor of negative measures of data."

An "unemployed person" is "involuntarily at leisure." "High-school dropouts" must have someone to blame, thus a victim of "instructional malpractice."

The work of the political correct police never ends. I only hope these Rusty Saber recommendations will help in this ponderous chore.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.)