Rusty Saber: Oxymorons abound in current society

Rusty Saber has at times penned what some might call sayings, cliches, maxims or oxymorons; however, there are so many types of them that no single definition works. When it doesn't exist, make it up. Thus, the "Rustyism" is born.

A Rustyism from a previous column: "Build a better mouse trap and the world will beat a path to your door; have a garage sale and the world will park in your front yard." Also, "If something is worth doing, it is worth hiring someone to do it well."

Rather than sprinkling various and sundry Rustyisms willy-nilly, this column is awash with hot-off-the-press Rustyisms.

What is a person called who automatically assumes drivers will stop for pedestrians in clearly marked pedestrian cross-walks? A traffic statistic.

What will happen to the Springfield driver who enters an intersection as soon as the light turns green? The reading of the last-will-and-testament will happen shortly after the funeral.

What is road rage? A synonym for crude, crass, uncouth, boorish, perilous behavior.

We have been hearing recently about the joint Congressional Intelligence Committee. Con-gressional intelligence is a Rustyistic oxymoron. Other such oxymorons: "resident alien," "second-place winner," "silent auction," "low-calorie pizza," "supremely absurd" and "perfectly lousy." My favorite is "accordion music," but it was coined earlier.

In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on America, some have said that the FBI and CIA should have somehow pieced together the bits of information obtained about the 19 terrorists and prevented them from boarding the airplanes. Trust me on this Rustyism: Had the terrorists responsible for the hijackings been denied access to the four airplanes, civil libertarian groups would have sued everyone even remotely involved. Law enforcement agencies involved would have been charged with profiling.

Another form of Rustyism arrives upon contemplating what things are like in the real world:

Wylie Coyote would have had the Roadrunner for lunch on the very first, and last, Roadrunner cartoon.

Spiderman long-ago would have gone "splat" against the side of a building.

The first time Lois Lane met Superman, she would have asked: "Clark Kent, where are your glasses; and why are you wearing those cute little tights, booties and that darling cape?"

There would be someone, somewhere who doesn't like Sara Lee.

The Most Valuable Player in the Super Bowl would never say the first thing he wants to do is take his family to Disney World.

The weather provides these Rustyisms: Have you ever noticed that in the summer, when many of us talk about how great the weather is, we do it inside an air conditioned building?

Rain is a funny thing: When it rains, your lawn and garden flourish, but you can't do the things you want to do outdoors. When it doesn't rain for awhile, your lawn and garden suffer, but you are able to do your outdoor things.

Do I have more Rustyisms? What do you think?

If you buy a T-shirt that is too large in hopes it will shrink to fit, it won't. If you buy a T-shirt that fits perfectly hoping it won't shrink, it will. Speaking of T-shirts, when athletic teams win big-time championships, they immediately put on T-shirts proclaiming themselves champions. That must mean the losing team had championship shirts on hand had they won. What happens to the losing team's never-worn championship T-shirts?

It's a good thing Will Rogers never met Saddam Hussein. If he had, he would never have said, "I never met a man I didn't like."

One last Rustyism: If an extension cord, a string of Christmas lights or a garden hose are laid out in an orderly manner, they will become hopelessly tangled with no help from human hands. If you have ever worked with any of the above, you know this Rustyism is on target.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.)