Rusty Saber: Nose-hair clippers, witch brooms good gifts

At first, I thought the radio commercial was a parody. But it was for real. I haven't heard many commercials for a nose hair remover. The ad suggested that unsightly nose hair should be removed. Giving a nose hair remover as a Christmas gift will make the recipient so attractive that others will take note.

Well, I don't know. I suppose nose hair that has to be braided should be tended to; however, I can't recall ever having thought to myself, "Wow, he/she is really attractive. It must be the neatly trimmed nose hair."

The ad caused me to think (which is always dangerous). A nose hair remover may be the perfect gift for the person afflicted with unsightly nose hair, but it isn't the sort of thing that comes to mind.

It's possible that Rusty Saber readers may not have people on their Christmas shopping lists who need a nose hair remover, but they have others that are hard to shop for. Since I exist to serve my readers, I present the Rusty Saber Outlandish Christmas Gift Gazette.

Those who insist on buying gifts made in America, rather than China, will have to look long and hard. Just about everything out there has a "Made in China" label. I have a new leather jacket; I'm sure there are countless models identical to mine bearing hundreds of different labels. The label on mine says the brand name is "American Classics." Below in small print it says "Authentic American Country Workmanship" and "Traditional Quality Labeled U.S.A." An attached tab below says "Made in China" in English, Spanish and French.

Say what? If it's American quality you're looking for, look at more than the label.

Here is a gift that I guarantee will be the only one under the recipient's Christmas tree: a witch's broom. That's right, a witch's broom. I found it in a's "handcrafted in the Wiccan tradition from a shaft of gnarled unpainted corn wood." Hey, the cost is only $69.95. For an additional $14.95 you can get a sign to go with it that reads "Witch Parking Only Violators Will Be Toast."

If you want to make it a package gift deal, you can get "fairy dust" for $9.99 (the jar it comes in costs $19.95.) It is made in the U.S. not China and isn't edible. Among the things the dust will do is keep away annoying things. If I thought it would keep away such things as telemarketers, junk mail and Rosie O'Donnell, I'd give this gift to myself.

Other gifts you won't find at the Battlefield Mall are videos titled "Nude Yoga" and "Nude Tai Chi." Like me, you may be asking why would anyone want to do yoga or tai chi in the nude?

A more careful reading of the catalog indicates that the tapes are of attractive female instructors performing without clothes. I suppose these would be appropriate gifts for those that wouldn't give a rip about yoga or tai chi, but would enjoy the instructions.

Do you have soap opera fanatics on your gift list? If so, do I have a deal for you: soap opera baseball caps. Choose between a cap for "One Life to Live," "General Hospital" or "All My Children." Take your pick or give the real fanatic all three. This could be the favorite gift received by the couch potato that is serious about the soaps.

If there is an about-to-be-retiree on your gift list, consider the "Countdown to Retirement Clock." You can give a clock that will calculate days, hours, minutes and seconds until the date set for retirement. In the event that retirement is a long way off, this gem will still do the job. It will calculate up to 50 years or 18,000 days. Batteries are included.

Another gift for the retiree is the "Viagra Paperweight." It's a 5-by-3-inch replica of a Viagra tablet, including "VRG 50" etched on the top. This golden age stocking stuffer can be had for only $15.

Granted, this next gift idea is limited to a scant few. It occurred to me that a good quality magnifying glass might be in order for Florida election officials. For about $20 you can give a magnifying glass for searching out dimpled and or pregnant chads. It's beginning to look like this gift might be needed for months to come.

No need to lavish grateful thanks on me for these valuable Christmas shopping hints. I saw my duty and I did it.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)