Rusty Saber: Need a joke? Try one of these, they're really ____

Rusty Saber readers know that I'm not one to tell lawyer jokes. As previously stated, you will never hear lawyer jokes from anyone needing a lawyer. Actually, my disdain isn't limited to lawyer jokes; I wouldn't like CPA jokes, truck driver jokes nor violin teacher jokes.

In fact, I don't like dumb blond jokes either. To me, jokes based on the assumption that hair color determines intelligence are pretty lame.

As we all know, negative jokes abound, be it at the expense of professions or individuals. Of course, Rusty Saber readers would never tell such jokes, but others might tell them about you. Well, if you can't beat them, join them. As a public service, the Rusty Saber presents jokes to insult whomever you please by filling in the blanks. I call the following JOE'S JOURNAL OF JENERIC JOKES (pretend that generic is spelled with a J).

By filling the blanks in these jokes, you can turn the tables on anyone who may have had fun at your expense by telling jokes about you:

A customer goes into a brain store.

"How much for ________ brain?"

"$3 a pound."

"How much for ________ brain?"

"$5 a pound."

"How much for ________ brain?"

"$500 a pound."

"Why is ________ so much more expensive?"

"Do you know how many ________'s brains it takes to get a pound?"

See how it works? First you must buy the premise that there is such a thing as a "brain store"; but jokes often require accepting off-the-wall notions. Fill the blanks; save the group you want to ZING the most for the $500-a-pound brain. No-thing to it.

Here is the second generic joke:

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest ________, and an old man are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?

That's easy: The old man; the others are mythological creatures.

In filling in the blanks on this next one, use one profession you like and one you want to ZING:

A ________ and ________ a were vacationing on the French Riveria. The ________ said, "I'm paying for this vacation with the insurance money I got when my house was destroyed by fire. "What a coincidence," said the ________. "I'm here on the insurance money I got when my house was destroyed by flood." The ________ looked puzzled: " How do you go about starting a flood?"

A ________ reported for work on the first day wearing a pair of headphones. The boss didn't want to embarrass the ________ on the first day, therefore nothing was said. The next day, the ________ was again wearing the earphones. The boss knew this had to stop. First, he approached the employee and asked him/her to take them off, with no response. "Enough of this" thought the boss. He removed his/her earphones. Whereupon the ________ fell over dead. The boss was shocked, putting on the earphones he heard, "Breathe in ... breathe out ... breathe in ... breathe out."

Completing our generic jokes are a few short fill-the-blank zingers:

What do you have when a ________ is buried up to the neck in sand? Not enough sand.

How do you stop a ________ from drowning? Take your foot off his/her head.

Why can't a ________ call 911? He/she can't find 11 on the keypad.

I truly hope these little jokes will help those who have been made the butt of unkind jokes get even.

I don't know if jokes are subject to copyrights. If so, go ahead, use them. If anyone sues you, hire a good ________.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.)