Rusty Saber: Misleading headlines offer source of amusement

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.

The headline left no choice but to read the article: "Man sentenced for soliciting phony girl." It crossed my mind that if the man solicited a phony girl, wouldn't his sentence also be phony?

As it turned out, the "phony" 10-year-old girl was fabricated by a female acquaintance to help police break a child pornography ring in which she thought he was involved. It worked. Good for her, and good for the police.

Headlines are supposed to capture readers' attention; this one did its job. There are many examples of headlines that are slightly askew. A television anchorperson headlined the lead sports news up next: "When we return, learn who will be indicted into the National Football League Hall of Fame." Of course, she meant to say "inducted." What made this slip of the tongue so ironic is the number of NFL players to have actually been indicted, but not these inductees. When she came back to close the newscast, she profusely apologized to the audience, and said there is a real difference between the letters "i" and "u."

A classic headline appeared in 1959 when Vice President Richard Nixon, whose wife's name was Pat, was running for president. Outgoing President Eisenhower told reporters that to win, Nixon would have to present new initiatives. The headline of the story didn't quite capture the essence of his statement: "Ike says Nixon can't stand pat."

A story about the improvement of eating habits of college students drew this headline: "Collegians turning to vegetables."

Another classic headline that would fit the frigid winter the Ozarks has endured: "Cold wave linked to temperatures."

Headline writers are not alone in twisting the language into something other than the intended meaning. Writers of announcements and ads have their share of unintended classic misstatements. This church announcement, for instance: "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

A sign outside a country store that may have been accurate by accident: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

A sign at an appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

From a dance hall ad: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

A blurb promoting an upcoming TV program: "Yoko Ono will talk about her husband, John Lennon, who was killed in an interview with Barbara Walters."

The apparent need to protect people from themselves often leads to instructions for the seemingly simple-minded. For instance, this notice at the entry ramp to a six-lane high-speed freeway: "Cars only. No bicycles, joggers or leashed dogs allowed." Anyone seriously considering these options needs protection.

The automobile owner's manual is full of examples of protecting people from themselves and protecting companies from lawsuits. This direct quote from an owner's manual: "Always make sure nobody places his/her head, hands and other parts of the body in the moon roof opening before you close the roof. If someone's neck, head or hands get caught in the closing roof, it could result in serious injury."

And finally, "Do not remove the radiator cap when engine and radiator is hot. Do not place hand on/in radiator, it will be hot and will burn you."

Words to live by, indeed.