Rusty Saber: Men's tryouts for women's sports may pay off

This column continues from last week when I suggested that the most asinine lawsuit of the year is the one brought by a lady against McDonald's because an errant pickle from a hamburger burned her chin.

Another lawsuit comes close in its asininity, (a word I just made up.) At the outset, I want it understood that I have always been a strong advocate of women's athletics. The federal government did something right in enacting Title IX, creating equality between women's and men's collegiate athletic teams. This case has nothing to do with equality, it has to do with the "when in doubt, sue somebody" characteristic that is afloat today.

The case in point is the $2 million punitive and $1 compensatory damages a Greensboro, N.C. jury ordered Duke University to pay to Heather Sue Mercer. It seems that she tried out to be a place-kicker on the Duke Division I men's football team. She didn't make the team. I suppose the coach took a look at the Title IX provision and saw nothing dictating co-ed football. Apparently the coach assumed that he, not a jury, got to select players for the men's not women's or co-ed He was dead wrong. The jury ruled that the Duke coach based his decision on her gender. Since it was the men's team, of course it was based on gender! A Duke official pointed out that the male kickers, who were also cut from the team, testified that, like them, Mercer lacked the necessary skills. Even her former high school coach testified that she wasn't good enough to kick against big-time football teams. She convinced the jury that she was good enough.

Golly, I was cut from my high school baseball team because I couldn't hit a curve ball. Forget that I wasn't good enough, I should have sued the school for all it was worth.

If this truly asinine judgment isn't overturned on appeal, I have a suggestion to some male who is 7 feet tall, weighs 275 pounds and is mean as a spurned husband on the Jerry Springer Show: Try out for a women's Division I basketball team. Based on this politically correct jury decision he will make the team because he thinks he is good enough. He will become the greatest player in the history of women's basketball. In the event that the coach cuts him because the team is a women's team, he can sue the socks off of everybody, because it's a gender-based decision.

"In your face" is the category of this next story. The Kimmerle family from Stonington, Conn. recently painted their entire house black to protest the zoning board's decision to deny their request to add a room to their house because it is near a lighthouse, which is a tourist attraction. The board believed the addition would harm tourism. This story interests me because I collect lighthouse replicas, and love seeing the real thing. The Kimmerles believed it was their house and they could add a room if they wanted to, nor did they believe it would hurt tourism. As a lighthouse fancier, I doubt that a new room on the Kimmerle house would keep me from a visit.

The conundrum: Will a house painted black deter tourism more than a room added to a nearby house?

Another tourism question arises in Portland, Maine. Stefan Blacart has made a request to open a sadomasochism club in the historic Old Port district. I wonder if the club's slogan could be "I truly hope this is going to hurt me as much as it is going to hurt you."

I digress. The local police chief is opposed to this venture on the grounds that you guessed it it might hurt tourism. However, there is no zoning regulation to prevent it. Let me see if I have this right: In Connecticut you can't add a room to your home if it might hurt tourism, but in Maine, it's OK to open a sadomasochism club even if it hurts tourism.

From the "We didn't think about this before we built it" department comes the story about the new Cincinnati Bengals football stadium, which is located on the Ohio River. Recreational boaters are breaking the law and creating traffic jams on the river by stopping to watch the giant video replay board that is visible from the river. Since it is legal to stop only for emergencies, the Coast Guard may begin ticketing boaters. I suppose they could declare the video board to contain emergency information for boaters. That might solve the problem.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)