Rusty Saber: Men, think before you read this column

I have been thinking about something that has puzzled men since Adam first encountered Eve in the Garden of Eden.

That question being, what is the basic difference between men and women? If I come up with the answer, men throughout the world will nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize. If I win the prize, I'll accept it.

This is a complex question because there are many differences; all but one fall short of being the big one. There are the obvious biological differences, including childbearing, which is women's exclusive domain.

I gladly honored my wife's right to bear our two children. As well, I accepted my role as a nervous ninny who paced up and down in the waiting room while she was doing the real work in the delivery room. No, I didn't put on a mask and watch the whole thing in the delivery room. You see, I didn't want to horn in on her big moment in the spotlight not to mention I was too chicken.

Another difference is well-documented; asking for directions. Women will ask, men won't. I may be hopelessly lost, but I won't stop to ask directions. My wife will insist on stopping to ask directions, even when we aren't lost. You may not know this, but asking for directions is genetic. Eons ago, it was men who bravely ventured out in wooden boats to explore the unknown world, with only the stars to guide them. There were no service stations where they could stop to ask directions. So, it's a genetic trait for men to navigate using the stars. Women have no such inheritance, they navigate using a gas-pump jockey named Ernie.

Another difference, but not the big one, concerns kitchens. When looking for a new home, a woman will stand in the kitchen of a show house and gaze intently in all directions. With the trained eye of a mother, she will look to see if it is possible to see children, be they inside or outside. If there are dead spots where children might move about unseen, the house is a no-no. This compulsion to never take their eyes off of children is a genetic trait. In comparison, the man looks at the kitchen to see if it's possible to watch football games while eating. If so, the kitchen looks fine to him. Genetics strike again.

I'm not there yet, but I'm close to the big difference. A distinct characteristic of women not shared by men is the blouse that buttons down the back.

I firmly believe I can state without fear of contradiction that no man would consider buying a shirt if the buttons were down the back. Sometimes men are asked to help fasten the buttons, which may justify a woman having a man around the house.

However, women oftentimes need no help. Evolution has created arms on women that twist and turn in eerie positions, enabling them to actually fasten the buttons down the back. On the rare occasions when I am called on to help with buttons, it is to fasten one that may be particularly difficult to reach. Few men would ever get dressed if their shirts had buttons down the back.

All other differences notwithstanding, the major difference between men and women is the thought process women use. This symbolic example best sums up women's thinking: While shopping, a woman finds a sweater she really, really likes. Pay attention, this is important! She looks for the tag with cleaning instructions. It may be printed in enough languages so that any New York City cab driver could read it; the English version warns: "Do not machine wash. Hand wash only in cold water. Do not twist to dry." A woman will either drop the sweater like a hot rock, or she will carefully take note of the need to wash by hand, and do so.

Conversely, a man finds a sweater he likes; he reads the hand-wash warning only after it has been machine washed once. It is only after his newly washed sweater looks like an ugly hat that he wishes he had been smart enough to read the label before buying the sweater.

Sorry, men, but smart is the operative word. Women, unlike men, are smart enough to think before they act.

There you have it, the difference between men and women.

Now, where's my Nobel Peace Prize?

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)