Rusty Saber: Local elf triumphs over Christmas chores

Not to boast, but I am pretty proud of myself. What the heck, I am going to boast. I know, pride goeth before the fall, but I'll chance it. I am prideful. Hopefully the fall will goeth somewhere else.

What causes my pride? Well, I managed to conclude the special family Christmas chores assigned to me. They are mine and mine alone, and I did them early! I didn't stutter, I said early! That may not be a big deal to those picky, picky folks who already have definite plans for their 4th of July picnic, but to me, to do it early is a really big deal.

These special Christmas duties consist of installing outdoor Christmas decorations (my wife is in charge of indoor decorations) and addressing Christmas cards. For some unknown reason, my handwriting is deemed to be more legible than hers.

The best I can say for my handwriting is that you don't have to hold it up to a mirror to decipher it; otherwise it isn't much to write home about (pun intended).

However, beginning with the wedding invitations and throughout these many years of married life, I have served as official envelope scribe.

Majestic outdoor decorations at my house aren't necessary, which is a good thing. They aren't very majestic. People don't drive from miles around to sit in their cars and gasp in astonishment at the scene. I don't even need a nearby hydroelectric dam just to produce the power to drive the array of multicolored lights. City Utilities does nicely at providing the power needed when I plug in the extension cords.

When I do fire up the lights, there is no applause; no cries of "Bravo," when I say "Let there be light!" and plug in the display. What I have is a scattering of colored lights announcing to passersby that we are celebrating the season.

Actually, I'm not certain why I was early with the installation of the decorations. A year ago, it was well into December when the lights went up. The frostbite in my fingers didn't clear up until late in the spring. This year, the lighting ceremony was held the Monday following Thanksgiving. Golly, the frostbite may have waned by Christmas Day.

Those who have put up outdoor Christmas lights know that contortionists make the best decorators. Although I can't lay claim to an extraordinary amount of North Pole creative spirit, I do have a notion as to what sort of configuration I want the lights to form.

In order to get them exactly where I want them to lie, hang or dangle, it may be necessary to hang upside down to get it right, sort of like a Florida hanging chad. The frostbitten fingers don't help.

OK, I know what you are thinking: Why doesn't this dipstick solve the frostbite problem by wearing gloves? Good question. Unfortunately, I am one of those clumsy clods who can't do anything when wearing gloves, which is one of many reasons that I didn't take up boxing.

Because of the early installation, I was free to take on the Christmas card assignment without being haunted by the specter of Christmas decorations packed away in the attic, coiled and ready to strike.

Actually, I believe that for all these years, my wife has been joshing me about the quality of my penmanship so she won't have to address Christmas cards herself. Truth be told, I like doing it. Sending Christmas cards enables most of us to keep up with relatives and friends whom we might lose track of if it weren't for holiday correspondence.

I greatly regret that some friends have faded from our mailing list. Oh, how I would love to hear from and catch up with them and their lives. Old friends from my military days and long ago teaching colleagues, whose cards were once eagerly anticipated, have ceased to write. It was a highlight of the holidays to read about their family news and to write to them about ours. Oh, how I would covet notes on cards from them now.

I'm so full of myself on account of the early successful performance of my assigned duties that I may take the plunge and join the multitudes of hectic Christmas shoppers crowding the malls.

Then again, I may not.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)