Rusty Saber: Listing positive traits makes for short column

There are people who join groups in hopes they will help them "find themselves." How did they manage to lose themselves? I suppose they didn't pay attention to where they were going and got lost. Couldn't they look themselves up in the phone book?

Not to demean such groups, but keeping track of where we go should make it difficult to lose ourselves; we shouldn't need a group to help us find ourselves.

It's fairly standard procedure in these groups for the facilitator (one who knows where he/she is, and is, therefore, qualified to help others find themselves) to ask the lost ones to begin the search process by listing all of the positive things about themselves they can think of. I'm pretty sure I'm in touch with me, and know where I can be found. However, in the event that I've unknowingly lost me, I'm going to list my positives. This may be a short column.

Let's see, what are the positive things about me? Well, I don't burp in public; in fact, I try not to burp in the privacy of my own home. I'm sorry; I should take this whole thing more seriously. Who knows, maybe I am lost and don't know it. Hey, I've got one: I don't smoke and don't use any tobacco products. Isn't that a positive? It should make the anti-smoking crowd happy. They are not only troubled by smokers, but the mere thought that someone, somewhere might be smoking puts them into a state just one step away from cardiac arrest. They don't have to fret about me.

I think I've got the hang of this list-making thing. I don't own a gun. I never have owned one and I never will. But I don't believe that people who do own guns, even members of the National Rifle Association, are necessarily tongue-swallowing, mouth-breathers who should be forced to walk the plank over a pool of hungry alligators. I should be popular with both the gun-toters and the anti-gun crowd.

Since I have a beard, I don't use shaving lotion nor do I use colognes. You see, I know that many people are allergic to fragrances or have respiratory problems that are provoked by them. With the possible exception of fairly innocuous deodorant (undetectable unless one is in close proximity to my armpits), I don't offend anyone's smeller. I'm a solid citizen. Right?

Let's see. I rarely eat high cholesterol junk food; with my health track record, staying clear of such stuff is a no-brainer. Before you tofu eaters sing my praises too loudly, I must confess that I do eat meat; but this will play well with meat producers.

What else? Well, I floss and use a Water Pik. This may seem like wearing both a belt and suspenders; I don't take any chances. When I go to the dentist for a checkup, I want to be praised to the rafters for good home dental care, not chastised for being sloppy.

No talk for me about cavities, fillings, tooth extractions or gum disease. I don't like hands holding sharp instruments stuck in my mouth.

I need another positive. Oh, yes. I will end a sentence with a preposition if it sounds better to do so. For instance, "Tell me what you object to." I wouldn't change that to the cumbersome "Tell me to what do you object?" Then there's "What did you do it for?" I'd probably let the preposition end this sentence. However, I might change it to: "What did you do it for, you numbskull?"

Oh, I just thought of one more. I can find humor in just about anything. This news story, for instance: The Associated Press reported that Veterans Affairs Secretary Togo West Jr. has stepped down.

Some may find it amusing that veterans, especially the older ones, need a secretary to keep track of their affairs, and Togo is sort of a funny name, but neither is what I have in mind. Mr. West is being replaced by his deputy, Hershel Gober. Are you ready? Here goes. I've always thought a bunch of gobers were running the government. Now a government department is being run by a real live Gober. I love it.

It's a good thing that people trying to find themselves aren't required to make a list of negative traits. This column might never end. As it is, since I was never lost, I don't have to find me.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)