Rusty Saber: Incredible offers typical of back-page ads

It isn't really a hobby, it's more like an interest. Ads in the back of magazines interest me.

Ads in the back are much different from those in the front. Up-front ads are mostly splashy; expensive one- or two-page spreads for cars, watches, designer clothes, cosmetics, cigarettes and the like. Those in the back are smaller, cheaper, no-frills ads.

As I write this, several magazines lie before me, all turned to the ads in question. To avoid giving free publicity to them, product names will be omitted.

After having said that these ads are small, the first of my back-of-the-magazine collection is a two-page ad for nail fungus remover.

I know, fingernail and toenail fungus remover registers far lower on the "splashy ad scale" than one for a sports car or a $1,000 wristwatch, but you must agree that it's unique.

The first page of the ad informs readers about the wonders of the brush-on product. On the next page are three columns of hard-to-read small print that reminds me of TV commercials for medicine where an announcer speaks in hushed tones about possible side effects such as: "Those who walk in an upright position and have opposable thumbs should not use this product."

The fine print goes into all sorts of clinical research conducted on the product, detailed usage instructions and possible adverse reactions. It's highly flammable and made in Germany. All this fuss over nail fungus remover?

Another ad touts a nonprescription alternative to Viagra; it is supposed to do, er, well, what Viagra is supposed to do. The ad proudly proclaims that "male virility is guaranteed." I wonder how one would go about proving to the manufacturer that it didn't work?

An accompanying ad offers a similar guaranteed product for women. Again, how does she prove it didn't work?

In another ad, for a mere $159 you can have your very own full-size replica of a cannon that contains something causing a loud bang and a realistic flash of light from the barrel.

I'm not certain what you would do with it, but after one use, door-to-door solicitors would think twice before ringing your doorbell again.

In another ad, for $19.95 (plus $5.05 handling and mailing) you can buy a book that is a guide to picking up women. And you receive at no extra cost a guide on how to dump a woman the easy way.

Let me see if I have this straight: A man follows instructions and attracts too many women, he gets a free book that teaches him how to get rid of them. I love it.

Another book advertised in the back of a magazine is a guide to getting even. It's described as a "do it yourself justice manual ... dirty tricks to get revenge on unsuspecting, but deserving victims." Maybe a lady dumped by the above pick-up artist could buy this book and learn to even the score.

Lots of steroid ads can be found in the back of magazines. One says in bold type: "Testos-terone Enhancers Illegal in Can-ada." Does the fact that Canada has declared this stuff illegal cause you to want to use it?

Here is an ad for a pill that will enable anyone to lose, pay attention here, "10 pounds in 48 hours, just in time for wedding or vacation." If you take a pill that will prune 10 pounds off of you in two days, you probably should add funerals to the events to lose weight for.

Here's a three-line ad that proclaims: "Smoke Pot Get Paid." I suppose you have to call the toll-free phone number to find out how you can take advantage of this offer and stay out of jail.

Should you be in the market for a term paper, one company that has been in business for 27 years offers 19,278 "quality papers." Aren't students supposed to learn by researching and writing their own papers? It doesn't matter because another ad makes it unnecessary to buy bogus term papers; it's possible to receive bachelor's, master's or PhD degrees without the nuisance of going to classes.

Having acquired each of these degrees by spending a large portion of my life writing my own papers in classes on university campuses, I wonder about earning them by making a phone call. If people actually buy products advertised in the back of magazines, it may be true, a sucker is born every minute.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)