Rusty Saber: Handbook can re political incorrectness

Long-time Rusty Saber readers know what a huge devotee I am of political correctness. Next to a throbbing toothache, political correctness is my least favorite thing. To me, political correctness belongs in the same category as a giant pothole in the middle of the road, a head cold and Jerry Springer.

Having said all this, it should be evident that some tongue-in-cheek is going on. Political correctness has reached the point where additional PC descriptions are necessary to ensure that everything that needs to be protected from incorrectness is protected.

We have learned over time that it is virtually impossible to be PC in describing an overweight person: Fat, obese, chubby, heavy, rotund are all politically incorrect. The "Rusty Saber PC Handbook" to the rescue. The new PC description of the overweight: A LOT OF PERSON IS UNDER THOSE CLOTHES. Likewise, the oft denigrated slender person shouldn't be skinny, bony or scrawny; these aren't very PC. I suggest saying the skinny person TAKES UP A MINIMUM OF AIRSPACE.

As we all know, there is just no way to be PC when describing a gossip now, that is. A gossip is a DATA TRANSMISSION FACILITATOR. The same with the person who is often denigrated for lying on the couch watching hours of television with the name "couch potato." We can't have that. The Rusty Saber substitution for couch potato: HORIZONTAL VIDEO INHALER.

What can you call a person who is homely? You can't use ugly or uncomely. Instead, the Rusty Saber choice is FACIALLY UNENDOWED. The extra tall person can be A RAREFIED AIR BREATHER. The "Rusty Saber PC Handbook" describes the extra short person as being MORE DISTANT FROM THE SUN.

What do we call one who has declared bankruptcy? How about saying the person is CASH FLOW CHALLENGED? Describing someone who isn't the brightest twinkling light on the Christmas tree as a dingbat, Florida voter, O.J. Simpson juror or any such term is far from PC. LIGHTER THAN AIR BREATHER is the Rusty Saber choice. The legal defense of temporary insanity is demeaning. To make the accused feel better, IQ HIATUS might make the legal proceedings sound more correct.

Four-eyes and other flip terms used to describe those of us who wear glasses should be replaced with the more PC term EMPLOYS MAGNIFIED IMAGING. Wimps can't be called that, even if they are wimps; it isn't PC UNBRAZEN should do the trick.

To adhere to a kinder, gentler society, a term should be found for ex-convicts other than the unimaginative "ex-cons." From the "Rusty Saber PC Handbook" comes the suggestion: FORMER GUEST OF THE CROSS BAR HOTEL. Silly people, I mean really silly people, could rightfully be said to be ROSIEFIED, named for the patron saint of inane silliness, Rosie O'Donnell.

Likewise, the super sweet, feel good person, called by some, "goody-two-shoes," a politically incorrect label, could be referred to as an OPRAHITE; surely, Oprah Winfrey is the prototype goody-two-shoes.

Being fired is an unpleasant experience; "fired" or the equally demeaning "laid off" are unpleasant terms. I suggest EMPLOYEE-EMPLOYER RELATIONSHIP REVERSAL. Flunking out of school has the same negative connotation as fired. Instead of flunking out, let's say there has been A FAULTY INTAKE OF INFORMATION.

Tightwad is a negative description of the frugal person. Describing the extra thrifty as having A HIGHLY FILTERED CASH OUTFLOW should be PC enough. Born losers could feel better about their fate if they were described as having PERENNIALLY MINUS OUTCOMES.

It seems to me that the soap opera "The Bold and the Beautiful" is aimed at the demographic group the title portrays. Why can't there be a soap opera for the opposite group, "THE TIMID AND THE PLAIN"? The same could be said for the "Young and the Restless." It is surely out of step with the PC need for balance, even in soap operas. Therefore, there should be: "THE ANCIENT AND THE CONTENTED."

The Rusty Saber PC Handbook has been presented as a public service for all who yearns to be politically correct at all times. Of course it has.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)