Rusty Saber: Fourth equals high temperatures, high explosives

This is being written prior to the Fourth of July, also known as Independence Day.

Although celebrated on the same day, Independence Day, as the name implies, celebrates our nation's independence. It is a patriotic holiday featuring patriotic parades, concerts of patriotic music and controlled fireworks displays such as Spring-field's Firefall.

The Fourth of July is celebrated with large outings with family and friends, picnics and "uncontrolled" fireworks. The stars and stripes motif may be abundant, but this holiday has more to do with picnics and shooting off fireworks than patriotic fervor.

I'm about to get myself in big trouble. I'm on the verge of making disparaging remarks about two icons of Americana: picnics and fireworks. This makes me uneasy. Why, I'm as uneasy as a man driving 90 mph in a Ford Explorer with Fire-stone SUV Tires. Now, that's uneasy!

Eating outdoors under a blazing sun and shooting off expensive firecrackers in celebration of the birthday of the nation would make more sense if it were according to history: The founding fathers, pleased with the final draft of the Declaration of Independence, shed the powdered wigs, exchanged the knickers and buckled shoes for bathing suits and thongs, gathered up the wives, kids and dogs and headed for the least shady spot in Philadelphia for a picnic and some fireworks.

I could accept fireworks on the Fourth if, while lighting the fuse on a Roman candle, Ben Franklin had said, "Take that, King George, you fink!" Alas, no such historical precedent is recorded. It's a fact of life that most Americans have a passion for midsummer picnics and fireworks in the hottest spots they can find. To be less than enthusiastic about these sweat gland galas is, well, it's un-American. It's little wonder that I'm un-easy.

I'm going to come right out and say it: I don't like to eat outside, especially when it's inferno hot. The cavemen's diet was greatly enhanced with the discovery of fire. They gathered around the fire, barbecuing whatever the hunters killed. They didn't huddle around fires because they wanted to. No. Kitchens had yet to be invented. Had they possessed kitchens they would have gone inside, the civilized thing to do. (Don't stop me now, I'm on a roll.)

Early American settlers traveled west in wagon trains in search of new homes, homes with kitchens, so they would no longer have to eat outdoors around wagon train campfires.

Today, the ancestors of cavemen and pioneers have modern, well equipped kitchens and dining rooms, surrounded with an ambiance of central air conditioning and comfortable chairs. Why leave all this comfort and go back to times when folks ate outdoors because they had no choice? I opt for air conditioning every time.

Doubtless, most Americans foam at the mouth at the very thought of encountering the great outdoors and doing battle with ants, flies, gnats, mosquitoes, ticks, chiggers and who knows what else.

As far as I know, there are only two reasons for calling off a picnic: rain or a sudden cold snap. There you have it; picnics require hot, sunny weather. By the time July rolls around, hot and sunny translates into 90-plus humid degrees with a boiling sun overhead. Call me un-American, call me an old spoilsport, I don't like to eat when I have to wipe sweat out of my eyes to see what I'm eating.

Also, with the exception of controlled fireworks displays, I have zero tolerance for fireworks. Fireworks are expensive; why not just set fire to a pile of dollar bills? They are noisy and downright dangerous. One misstep can cost the misstepper a hand or an eye, or he might set somebody's house on fire.

Ask someone, "Why did you just set off that string of 500 firecrackers that scared the fire out of every dog in the county?" How many would you have to ask before one answered: "I'm a patriot! I'm celebrating the independence of my country?" A more likely answer: "I don't know. Aren't you supposed to blow up stuff on the Fourth?"

Having said all of this, Fourth of July picnics have one thing going for them: my family and friends seem to like getting together for hot summer picnics and fireworks. That's good e-nough for me.

Happy birthday, America!

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)