Rusty Saber: Conspiracies abound in world os fashion

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I'm not a conspiracy buff; I don't see an evil conspirator behind every bush. For instance, I don't believe that daytime television soap operas and talk shows are an odious conspiracy of television networks to turn to mush the brains of viewers.|ret||ret||tab|

Some of the well-known theories held by professional conspiratorial advocates may be real; I can't say for sure. However, I'm aware of certain lesser-known conspiracy theories. You probably have figured out that you're about to hear these theories; otherwise this column will end right here.|ret||ret||tab|

There exists a despicable conspiracy among women's shoe designers to somehow persuade women to wear unbelievably ugly shoes. These eyesores are anything but chic. I call these clubby things "faux combat boots." You can take the combat boot out of the battlefield, but you can't put it on the female foot and make it something other than a combat boot. Not only are these shoes ugly, but they appear to be as uncomfortable as they are ugly. Not only do the shoes look like something Frankenstein's monster might wear, but women wearing these things walk a whole lot like the monster. |ret||ret||tab|

Until recently, these clubby clodhoppers have been restricted to fall and winter. This summer, however, faux tugboat sandals are the latest rave. You've probably seen them: They look like a pair of flat-bottomed tugboats with sandal straps. Actually, they manage to look like low cut combat boots with straps. When women stick their feet into these clunky things they are two inches taller, assuming they don't fall over before attaining their full height.|ret||ret||tab|

There is no way to walk while wearing these nightmares with anything approaching agility. Plodding and teetering, yes; agility, no. It's all a giant conspiracy. There's no other explanation. I know, women readers are probably seething, accusing me of being a sexist numbskull. They're rightfully asking why I'm picking on women and not men. Well, I'm an equal opportunity offender: I'm about to offend men. There's no other logical explanation than a conspiracy for what is being called the "Regis Philbin look" in men's fashion. Although it predates Regis and the TV program "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," he seems to have become the poster boy for the style. This "fashionable" attire should be called "faux Al Capone." |ret||ret||tab|

The conspiracy makes men look like they're on the run from Elliott Ness. It consists of a dark suit, dark shirt, and matching dark necktie (black, dark gray and purple are currently "in" colors). One look at a man outfitted in this latest style explains why it should be called faux Al Capone. Add a big black sedan, broad brim fedora and a violin case, and the look is complete.|ret||ret||tab|

As soon as men's wardrobes are saturated with these dark outfits the conspirators will move on to something new. |ret||ret||tab|

Alas, faux Al Capone will soon be hopelessly out of style, which can't come too soon for me. It happened to the leisure suit, it will happen to this conspiracy. As insidious as the above conspiracies may be, they pale in significance to the multifaceted plotting of an assortment of packagers; childproof containers, for instance. Packagers say they want to protect children from harmful medicines and other stuff. Sure they do! These connivers get their kicks from watching us push down, squeeze in, turn clockwise, close one eye, press tongue firmly on upper lip and pull up on the cap, all in one motion. I'll bet kids who teach adults how to use VCRs can also teach them how to open childproof bottles. Packagers also rub their hands in glee at the very thought of shrink-wrapped packages. If you've ever tried to get into a shrink-wrapped item a book or the like, you know the depth of the conspiracy. It's a conspiracy to put us in a padded cell.|ret||ret||tab|

Shrink-wrap is the molded plastic used to encase many gadgets on sale in discount stores. You can't cut through the steel mesh, er, plastic, with the world's sharpest scissors or knife. Heck, if the plastic were at ground zero during a nuclear blast, it wouldn't budge one bit.|ret||ret||tab|

Conspiracy theories abound out there; these have been a few of them.|ret||ret||tab|

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)[[In-content Ad]]