Rusty Saber: Candidate tips include TV, gas cap issues

As this Rusty Saber is being written, the political conventions are in high gear. They don't seem to be as important to Americans as the debut of Dennis Miller, noted filthy-mouthed comedian, as Monday night football's new color man that's color man, not off-color man. Apparently, he managed to get through the first NFL football exhibition game without sneaking in any four-letter words. At least, the Federal Communications Commission didn't pull the plug on the broadcast. I'm not sure why anyone really cares. Someone must; Miller was bigger news than the Republican National Convention.

We should be interested in the conventions; we're talking about the election of the next president of the United States. To some, Monday night football may be more important than the presidential election, but not to me. Jack Paar, the Tonight Show host before Johnny Carson, used to say that he would vote for any candidate promising to get rid of crabgrass. I suppose there are so many controls on the market both toxic and herbal that pledging to rid the United States of crabgrass wouldn't gain many votes. Oh, I guess Al Gore could assert that he invented the first crabgrass-killing concoction soon after inventing the Internet.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: I just happen to have some vote-getting tips for candidates. Of course I do; otherwise, this column ends right here.

First, votes are to be had among couch potatoes that sit transfixed before the nation's television sets. So few good programs are on network channels that votes await any candidate promising legislation that will prohibit any two "good" programs from being aired at the same time. This legislation would mandate that any of the dozens of mindless situation comedies or dramas must only air opposite "Frasier," "Everybody Loves Raymond," "Becker," "E.R.," "Law and Order" and "Judging Amy." In turn, these good ones cannot play opposite each other or any network specials that are worth a hoot. I'd name other good shows, but I can't think of any.

Another vote-getting scheme would be to have a candidate promise to force credit card companies to clearly spell out interest rates in their ads. Pay attention, and tell me if this wouldn't get your vote. Like the Surgeon General's warning labels on cigarette packages and beer bottles, include a label on credit card ads proclaiming that the advertised 4 1/2 percent interest rate will soon balloon up to 17 percent or more. Don't stop with just the credit cards. Standardize the devices at stores, service stations and ATMs in which credit cards are inserted. As it is, to pay for something, one machine may require the card to be inserted right side up with the front of the card showing. The next may require just the opposite; others will require the backside to face up. Candidates should take note: Promise legislation to standardize credit card use, and the votes will come in faster than you can count them.

A whole lot of automobile contraptions hit us all where we live. Gas tank caps, for instance. My wife and I have two cars; the gas tank cap of one is on the driver side, the other, the passenger side. I don't care which side, but a candidate calling for all auto makers to standardize the gas tank cap location is certain to get the votes of all of us who have parked on the wrong side of gas pumps. This might include every voter.

Inside the car, a multitude of potential vote-getting maneuvers awaits the clever candidate. Windshield wipers and car lights top the list. Move behind the wheel of any car and the wiper and light switch will not only be in different places, but will also work differently than any others with which you are familiar. Thinking drivers will check out the wiper, lights and dimmer switch operation before taking off in a strange car; a far superior plan than trying to figure out how they work in the dark. If nothing else, the votes of people ever to have rented cars are assured. The dreaded situation of driving a strange car in the midst of a rainstorm at night pretty well assures that a platform mandating more driver-friendly cars may be the cash cow of politics.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)