Rusty Saber: 'Bottoming out' the butt of Rusty humor

(While Joe McAdoo enjoys the sunny beaches of Maui, the Business Journal is running a selection of favorite columns from the past. McAdoo returns in the next issue of SBJ.)

This has been one of those weeks. Among other things, I hadn't come up with a Rusty Saber topic. Usually I have two or three topics to choose from; not this week, however. Since you're reading this, it should be fairly obvious that I eventually found a topic. Yes, folks, the topic just fell into my lap. While reading USA Today, it was there in black-and-white, the consummate topic.

Up front, I want to proclaim to one and all that I'm not making up any of this, nor do I have any reason to believe that USA Today made it up. This story is for real.

It seems that in New York City, the City Council plans to replace bucket seats with larger ones on subway trains because, well, I can't think of a nicer way to put it, the bottoms of subway riders have grown larger than the seats.

In the past, 17.5 inches has been the standard size of most chair seats, including those on the New York subway. To be fair, this isn't a problem restricted to the big, er, ah, bottomed (that's more acceptable than what I intended to say) New Yorkers who ride the subway. The bottom line (sorry about that) is that the expansion of the American bottom is widespread (oops, I did it again).

According to USA Today, General Cinema Theaters has been forced to admit that the 18-inch seats in its theaters, not 17.5, mind you, are obsolete. Moviegoers have bigger bottoms than their parents, who could fit into those seats. General Cinema has installed what are called "love seats" wide enough for couples to "cuddle" while watching movies.

Although the seats were intended for two, the theater has been forced to allow certain wide-bodied patrons to occupy both seats. The cold, hard truth: Whether it's 17.5 or 18 inches, the American bottom has outgrown standard seats, be it in a theater, arena, train or the easy chair at home.

It never fails that, regardless of the situation, there will be at least one research group at the ready to fill a void and study the problem. Enter the CAESAR Project; CAESAR stands for Civilian American and European Surface Anthrometric Resource.

I'll leave it to you to figure what in the name of P.T. Barnum is a "surface anthrometric resource"? I am not making this up. This is apparently a real research group, and in order to get to the bottom of the problem (I did it again, sorry), it is measuring the body contours of 4,000 volunteers in the United States and Canada (I don't know what happened to Europe; the "E" in the group's name stands for European). Exactly how do you suppose they define "body contours," and how do they measure them?

This project is sponsored by 30 furniture manufacturers and the U.S. Air Force. I understand furniture makers wanting to know if they need to make chair seats bigger, but why the Air Force? Unless they want to know if they need to enlarge aircraft cockpits, I can think of no reason why tax dollars are being used to measure American and Canadian rear ends. Can you?

I'm happy to report that New York City Councilwoman Carol Greitzer didn't sit around on her chair, whatever size it may be, waiting for this earthshaking research project to be completed. She did her own tush research. You may not believe this, butt (oops, I added an extra "t"; how sloppy of me) she actually measured the bottoms of 23 subway riders.

In my mind's eye, I'm trying to visualize the scene. I'm sorry, but nothing comes to mind, nothing that is suitable for polite conversation.

Before I become lost in the moment, I'll leave it for your mind's eye to contemplate.

Oh, what the heck. I can't pass it by, I have to ask: If she had a schedule for completing her measuring project, and didn't finish on time, would it be fair to say that she got behind in her work? I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

On the serious side, as a result of her scientific research, the councilwoman recommends 23-inch subway seats, rather than 17.5.

Wow, that's a big increase in the posterior base. I wonder: Is it safe to say that the subway problem has bottomed out. I'm proud and happy to have been able to share this moment in time with you.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)