Rusty Saber: Bad head roll off columnist's computer

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The Rusty Saber will be 20 years old in January. |ret||ret||tab|

In all that time, I have never written a headline for a column, I probably never will. Headlines are tricky pieces of work. They must relate to the reader the substance of the news item, column or editorial; they must be short and snappy enough to attract the reader. |ret||ret||tab|

I would just as soon leave it to professionals to add the blurb announcing the weekly Saber rattlings. |ret||ret||tab|

Because headlines introduce complex stories with economical prose, sometimes meanings appear that the writer never intended. |ret||ret||tab|

I don't know if there is a formal name for headlines that go astray from intended meaning; I call them Banner Bloopers. As a matter of fact, I collect Banner Bloopers. |ret||ret||tab|

Sometimes the location where an event occurs will lend an unintended meaning to a headline. The closing of an air base in Moron, Spain, for instance: "U.S. to close base in Spain; Moron facility will shut in December."|ret||ret||tab|

You just know headline writers in Virgin, Utah, and Bloomer, Wis., must eventually join the Banner Blooper Brigade: "Virgin woman gives birth to twins," and, "Man loses hand in Bloomer." |ret||ret||tab|

A Banner Blooper can gain more, albeit unintended, recognition than the story it accompanies. As a collector, it is the unintended meaning that attracts me. The following are inductees into the Rusty Saber Banner Bloopers Hall of Fame:|ret||ret||tab|

"Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over."|ret||ret||tab|

"Five nudes pinched at stag show."|ret||ret||tab|

Speaking of pinching: "Patients feel doctor's pinch."|ret||ret||tab|

Where was the ACLU when these sentences were handed down? "Drunk gets nine months in violin case"; "Juvenile court to try shooting defendant"; "Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years"; "Local high school dropouts cut in half"; and "Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers."|ret||ret||tab|

Some headlines proclaim events we would surely pay to see: "Two accused of kidnapping slain man"; "Man hit by auto riding on a motorcycle"; "Deer killed, 17,000"; "Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter"; "Hospital sued by 7 foot doctors"; "Man with two broken legs saves one from drowning"; "Boy chasing fox found rabid." |ret||ret||tab|

What causes a regular headline to become a Banner Blooper? The writer is so intent upon previewing the story in the article that the blooper sneaks in unrecognized. The writer is so close to the intended content that the unintended goes unnoticed until it is in print. For example: "Couple slain; police suspect homicide." The writer of that headline was undoubtedly so close to it that the alternate meaning went unnoticed. |ret||ret||tab|

The same is true of the following: "Flies to attend wedding of son"; "Chef throws his heart into helping feeding needy"; "Ban on soliciting dead in city"; "If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last for awhile"; "New vaccine may contain rabies"; "Engineers to hear ground water talk"; "Kids make nutritious snacks; relatives served at family reunion." |ret||ret||tab|

The following headlines cause some to claim that the unintended meanings may be more accurate than those intended: "Senate probe ends, but more lies ahead"; "Plane too close to the ground, crash probe told"; "War dims hope for peace"; and "Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say."|ret||ret||tab|

President Bush may understand this headline better than some of us: "Iraqi head seeks arms."|ret||ret||tab|

This one might send us to anatomy books in search of the approximate location of the argument: "Man's mother-in-law wounded in argument." |ret||ret||tab|

Likewise, the anatomy book might be needed to explain: "Eye drops off shelf."|ret||ret||tab|

From among my headline collection two of my favorites: "Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft"; and "Cold wave linked to temperatures."|ret||ret||tab|

I am anxious to see what the SBJ headline writer does with this column. There are so many options. How about "Rusty head lines are pointed?" or "Columnist collects heads?" "A bunch of bungled banner bloopers?" |ret||ret||tab|

I suppose I will just have to wait and see.|ret||ret||tab|

|bold_on|(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.)|ret||ret||tab|

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