Rusty Saber: Back-pages news gives food for thought

From time to time, the Rusty Saber devotes itself to the news; not the banner-headline-grabbing sort of news, but items stuck somewhere other than the front page. These are news items you may have missed.

From Hilo, Hawaii, comes this story, which I didn't make up. A Big Island cable TV company has apologized to subscribers for graphic sexual activity that aired for 15 minutes on The Weather Channel. That's right, The Weather Channel. The cable guys said that rewiring caused portions of an adult pay-per-view movie to, er, how to say it, be exposed to Weather Channel viewers.

In my mind's eye, I'm trying to visualize the reactions of viewers, who were minding their own business, watching weather news.

My vivid imagination comes up with this scenario: Because it happened on the island of Hawaii, let's assume a tourist couple is waiting for the Weather Channel to report on meteorological doings back home. The wife has dozed off and the husband is barely awake. Suddenly, the rewiring job kicks in. His eyes bug out, he pinches himself just to make certain that he, too, hasn't dozed off and is dreaming. It's no dream; he is seeing what he thinks he is seeing!

Watching the television through eyes the size of twin pie tins, he nudges his sleeping wife: "Wake up, Mildred, wake up! You aren't going to believe this unless you see it for yourself. This is the dadburndest weather forecast I've ever seen!"

Afterward, all across the Big Island, The Weather Channel's ratings zoomed to an all-time high.

From our sister Springfield in Illinois comes word that lawmakers are debating a bill to allow school districts the option of selling advertising on school buses.

Say what? I don't have anything against advertising; I'm all for it. Some of my best friends are in the advertising business. Everything seems to have advertising on it. I, however, draw the line at school buses. School buses are supposed to be the ugliest shade of yellow known to humankind and clearly marked as what they are, not mobile billboards with kids inside.

What products would be advertised? Beer? Wine? Whiskey? Cigarettes? Rewired movies now showing on The Weather Channel? What?

This is an idea whose time has not come.

From the Just How Far Can Political Correctness Be Taken Category comes this story: The Red Cliff Band of Lake Superior Chippewa Indians is demanding that the name Squaw Bay on the lake be changed because it is derogatory.

I have researched every source at my disposal to find that squaw means either American Indian or Native American woman. Synonyms found for squaw include bride, consort, mate, wife and spouse. What is derogatory about a place whose name means Native American woman?

It might be that it is derogatory to Indian women to have a bay named after them. Not so. The name the tribe is demanding is Mawikwe Bay. Besides being much harder to pronounce, Mawikwe means, in the Ojibwe language, weeping woman.

Let me see if I have this straight. Native American Woman Bay is derogatory; Native American Weeping Woman Bay isn't?

A bill has passed the Georgia House Agriculture Committee that will make cruelty to animals a felony. It's a misdemeanor now, punishable by up to one year in jail and a $1,000 fine. The proposed law calls for up to five years' incarceration and a $100,000 fine for maliciously maiming or killing an animal.

I'm a devout animal lover and applaud this Georgia law; I hope it passes and is vigorously enforced.

While Georgia is debating the animal rights law, the Maryland legislature is considering a law that establishes the crime of homicide by aggressive driving. Yes, road rage, if it causes death to another, is a special crime. Great idea, you say, and it is. But wait. Road rage-caused homicide will be punishable by up to three years in prison, and no monetary fine.

So, in Georgia, someone who kills or maims an animal gets up to five years and pays a $100,000 fine. In Maryland, an angry driver kills another driver and gets up to three years in jail. My dogs may not agree, but a human life should be at least as valuable as an animal's.

Finally, this is your first warning. Next week the announcement will be made of the Rusty Saber Sort-of-Annual Limerick Contest.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University and a Springfield public relations consultant.)