Rusty Saber

by Joe McAdoo

I blew it. That's all there is to it. I blew it. I ran across a news item last fall that cried out for a Rusty Saber column. I didn't write it then because I wanted to learn more about the story. Even after learning more, I hesitated. You know what happens to people who hesitate.

Syndicated columnist Cal Thomas just now wrote the column I should have written months ago, and everybody is talking about the subject: Sports utility vehicles (SUVs) are ruining the air we breathe more so than automobiles, are unsafe unless you are riding in one and should be banned from America's streets and highways.

I first learned about this menace when I read about a news conference held by a group of environmentalists in California who referred to SUVs as the "Joe Camel of the automobile industry." That's a pretty serious charge, especially considering they offered no proof to support this claim.

My first thought was that the Behavior Modification Police are at it again. SUVs are the hottest-selling vehicles in America, and these guys just can't stand it. They want everybody to behave the way they do.

The gist of their case was that SUVs are toys for the rich, they burn more gasoline than cars, therefore, they must cause more global warming. Plus, drivers are safer riding in them than in cars; therefore they are unsafe.

A bit of doublespeak, if you ask me: Since SUVs are safer, they are unsafe.

I presume when the meeting broke up, the members of the Behavior Modification Police got in their Yugos and drove home at 15 mph. Surely, none of them drove, gasp, SUVs.

Later I read that the insurance industry had picked up on this theme and was considering raising insurance rates on SUVs because they are, you guessed it, unsafe because they are safer.

I don't know how widespread this numskull scheme might be. Some insurance companies may even be doing it, but it is hoped not many. Where is the logic?

Teenage boys pay the highest insurance rates of any group of drivers. Observe teenage boys driving and you know why; they are unsafe drivers. This makes sense.

But higher rates on vehicles that provide better protection for their occupants? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Increasing rates for SUVs would be like increasing them for drivers who use seat belts because those not wearing them are at greater risk if they have auto accidents with those wearing them.

I suppose the next step in this lame-brained idea is to involve Congress. I can visualize higher taxes imposed on SUVs to discourage sales. Congress is good at that.

The final indication that the inmates are in control came in a story I read in December, reporting that air pollution readings in Los Angeles were mysteriously lower than they had been in years.

The news story offered no reason for the decline, but the writer ended the story with this editorial comment: "However, the lower pollution rate is expected go back up due to the gas-guzzling SUVs crowding the streets of Los Angeles."

The writer of this story picked up on the art of doublespeak. Think about it. Air pollution rates are down in spite of streets crowded with SUVs, but they will go back up because of the same SUVs. Amazing journalistic logic.

I'm not a big fan of SUVs, but my wife owns one because she wants the room to haul stuff. She feels safer in it, and the four-wheel drive is great for driving in the snow. Her SUV has a six-cylinder engine, my car has a V-8. As far as I can tell, both "guzzle" about the same amount of gas.

I've seen no proof that SUVs are unduly ripping giant holes in the ozone, causing the polar ice cap to melt and creating beach-front property in Iowa.

My wife is a lot safer in her SUV than in a Yugo. However, if her Jeep got into a battering-ram match with my Lexus, I think I'd hold my own. But when the snows comes, the Jeep moves. Mine qualifies for the "One-man Automobile Luge" in the Winter Olympics. It slides on snow like a turbo-charged greased pig.

If SUVs are toys for the rich, there are a lot of rich folks around because people from all walks of life drive them. The Behavior Modification Police will be much happier when we all do what they want us to do, drive electric cars, with extra long extensions cords ...

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury College and a Springfield public relations consultant.)

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