Rusty Saber

by Joe McAdoo

The best thing about asking yourself questions is that you should be able to understand the answers.

I often ask myself questions. Mind you, I don't do it in public. If I went around talking to myself, people might think I'm a pint short of a 5-gallon bucket. I keep my questions to myself. A voice inside me asks Why? How? What?

Alas, a voice answers, "I don't know." These unanswered questions are things I don't understand. Since I get no intelligent answers from myself, I'll ask you.

What do Bill and Hillary Clinton talk about when they are alone? I mean, when they are completely out from under the shadow cast by Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp, Ken Starr, the media, White House spin doctors everyone.

With that much swirling around them, most married men I know would have a lot of explaining to do. If they don't talk fast, they might not be able to eat solid food until the wires are removed from their jaws.

I can imagine what Pat Nixon said to Richard Nixon during the Watergate scandal: "You asked for it, Dick. I warned you not to hire Haldeman and the rest of those bums. What happened? They got you into more trouble than you can talk your way out of. I warned you, don't say I didn't."

However, for the life of me, I can't imagine what the first lady says to the president when they are just another married couple.

Who knows, she might say something like: "I don't care if Bob Dole does take Viagra, you are going to stop taking it right now!" Probably not. Maybe she says: "From now on, I'm supervising the interns! You got that?" Oh well. I guess I'll never know.

Why does acupuncture work? A lot of people swear by it. From all I've heard, it works. It eases or gets rid of pain. Usually, when unconventional medical procedures come along, someone, somewhere writes that they don't work or are harmful. I don't recall hearing anything negative about acupuncture. But why does it work?

You have pain somewhere on your body, a practitioner sticks needles in the spot, and the pain goes away. I don't understand it, but if it works, I guess I don't need to understand.

What will movie maker 20th Century Fox be called in the 21st century? There's already a Fox TV network, and copyright laws will keep it from just eliminating 20th Century from its logo. How about "New Century Fox"? This won't become outdated. I'll probably have to wait for 2001 for the answer.

How does Chicago Bulls basketball player Dennis Rodman get through airport security without setting off the alarm? He has holes poked all over himself, with chunks of metal stuck in the holes. He wears multiple earrings on each ear, a nose ring, a lip ring and metal studs in his lower lip.

I don't even want to think about how many holes are in other parts of his body with jewelry stuck in them.

He's got more metal in him than a shotgun. So why doesn't he set off the alarm?

Another question I have to ask: Why would anyone poke holes in their bodies and stick jewelry in them? Earrings I understand; lip rings I don't. I really don't understand excessive piercing of less-visible parts of the body.

I once saw a young girl being interviewed on cable TV. She wore rings through both eyebrows, one through her nose, one through her lower lip and four silver studs below it. Why? If I knew the answer to this question, I would probably know more than I want to know.

How can some people play the piano and talk at the same time? That's a lot of right-brain activity going on all at once. Playing the piano would take all of my concentration; but I'm barely able to breathe and talk at the same time. The sight of a piano player carrying on an intelligent conversation while tinkling away on the piano, never looking at it, fills me with awe. I suppose a trumpet player doing it would really be awesome.

Why hasn't some insurance company named itself "C.Y.A. Insurance Co."? It seems an obvious choice, to me, anyway. The marketing slogan could be: "C.Y.A.: What you want insurance to do."

Maybe I need to talk to someone other than myself so I can have an intelligent conversation.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury College and a Springfield public relations consultant.)

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