Rusty Saber

by Joe McAdoo

I don't know about you, but I want things to make sense to me. If I read a news story, I want to be able to figure out what's going on. I realize that some events may be unfigureoutable (I know there is no such word, I made it up because it serves my purposes), but I try to figure them out, anyway.

For instance, take the news of the Federal Aviation Administration's recommendation that pilots not take the male sexual potency drug Viagra within six hours of flying. Why, I asked, would a drug intended to do what Viagra does, impair a pilot's ability to fly an airplane?

Ho ho. All manner of possible answers came to me, none of which can be discussed in a high-class publication like this. You have to sort of let your mind wander a bit to conjure up reasons why Viagra might make it difficult for pilots to concentrate on flying airplanes.

Happily, I didn't have to figure it out. The answer came later in the story: Immediately after taking Viagra, men can't distinguish between blues and greens, the predominate colors used in cockpit and runway lights. I'm relieved to know the answer.

Now what I can't figure out is this: What chemicals in Viagra are capable of causing temporary colorblindness? Should men put them in their bodies? Unfigureoutable? I don't think so.

Here's another story I can't figure out. The Illinois Supreme Court ruled that people bilked by unscrupulous lawyers can't use the state's Consumer Fraud Act to seek justice. It seems that since the act doesn't mention lawyers, it doesn't apply to them.

I wonder does anyone belonging to a group not specifically named in the act have a free pass to cheat the public? Is it possible that if the act doesn't mention left-handed people, they, too, can bilk the public? I can't figure it out.

I can't figure out this one either. University of Pittsburgh (the one in Pennsylvania; the one in Kansas has no "h" at the end) officials have ended the Summer Transitional Educational Program, which offers remedial help for freshmen entering the university in the fall.

I'm assuming that remedial help doesn't mean learning advanced techniques in brain surgery, rather it means basic things like reading, writing, mathematics and the like.

The news article indicated concern on the part of some that students needing remedial help might not be able attend the university.

Since the program began in 1988, 800 students have been served. As one who spent my working life teaching college students, there's something I can't figure out: Why did the 800 students need remedial help?

How in the name of Horace Mann did they manage to graduate from high school when they couldn't read, write or work math problems well enough to be admitted to college? Unfigureoutable?

In Long Beach, Calif., a group of environmentalists attached themselves to a cargo ship crane and dangled there for three days. Why would they do a numskull thing like that? They were attempting to prevent the unloading of paper they believed came from a Canadian rain forest.

I'm partial to trees. I'm offended by the destruction of trees to make way for ugly, unneeded shopping centers. But I certainly wouldn't hang like an ornament from a Christmas tree for three days to demonstrate my feelings. All that would demonstrate is that I'm a scoop of sand shy of a full wheelbarrow.

A police SWAT team eventually rescued, er, make that arrested, the demonstrators and hauled them off to jail. They wanted to be arrested, but they probably didn't want to dangle for three days waiting. When the police arrived, they probably thought: "At last; what took you so long?" I wonder if the demonstrators use the paper products they demonstrated against? Unfigureoutable.

One last item. Gill Zaccaro had been the chief of police in North Bend, Ore., for 25 years. At 3 p.m. the day after celebrating that anniversary, he was invited into the office of City Administrator Gary Marks. He probably expected to receive a gold watch. Instead, Marks fired him, effective at 5 o'clock that very day.

How's that for an anniversary appreciation gift? The reason given for the firing was a "difference in management styles." Why did it take 25 years for the chief's management style to get him fired? I can't figure it out. It's unfigureoutable.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury College and a Springfield public relations consultant.)

[[In-content Ad]]