Rusty Saber

by Joe McAdoo

A line from a Sherlock Holmes novel I don't recall which one comes at the point where Holmes has solved the mystery, and is off to outsmart the bad guy; he says to Dr. Watson, "The game's afoot."

This line could be the motto of telemarketers as they prepare for their unsolicited phone calls. The game's afoot; to win the game, the goal of telemarketers is to keep us on the line long enough to get us to say "yes" to whatever it is they are selling.

Assuming we don't want to buy from an unseen stranger, our goal is the opposite: To get off the line. The most direct way to avoid the sales pitch is to hang up; however, some of us don't like to be rude.

The formal clinical name for this personality trait is "Wimp." A Wimp hates to be rude. Hanging up on someone is rude.

The clinical name for the conflicting personality trait is "Grouch." A Grouch believes telemarketers are rude for calling, and will hang up on the spot.

Psychologists say these two traits reside in all of us, creating inner conflict. (I made up all this. It sounds reasonable, doesn't it?)

To accommodate my "Wimp-Grouch" inner conflict, I've created strategies to protect myself when the game's afoot.

A general response to all telemarketing calls: As soon as the caller mispronounces your name (which will happen if your name contains more than one syllable), say, "To save you a lot of time and energy, I don't respond to any telemarketing calls, thank you." Hang up the phone.

If you stay on the line, the caller will try to talk the Wimp in you into listening to the pitch. You have said no, further talk is unnecessary. It's your telephone. You didn't ask to be called.

Alas, for some, the Wimp in them dominates the Grouch; they can't hang up, even on telemarketers. If you're a Wimp, you need to find a way to get telemarketers to hang up on you.

Game strategies for the terminal Wimp vary, depending on the nature of the calls. These strategies should be used only if you don't want to talk.

?When the telemarketer says, "Do you still own your home there at ... ?" you say: "No (sob). The bank foreclosed on it and threw us and our 14 kids out in the cold (sob). What can I do for you?" That should put an end to the call.

?When you get calls soliciting money for good causes, and you want to contribute, do it. But if, say, you already give to as many good causes as you can afford and stay on the line, telemarketers will ignore what you've said and continue with the pitch. You can either hang up or, after the sales pitch, say, "Since you're committed to giving to good causes, I'm selling tickets for a drawing to benefit (fill in the blank). The tickets are only $10 each; how many do you want?" Click.

?The call raising money for a worthy law enforcement group project: "Hi, Joe. This is Billy Bob, I'm down here tonight calling for..." He'd like you to believe you know him, and that he's a law enforcement officer. Ask him, "Are you a police officer?" He'll say "No." Otherwise he's guilty of impersonating an officer. Then ask, "Why did you make it sound like you are one? And what percent of the money you raise do you keep?" Bye-bye, Billy Bob.

?To telemarketers offering credit cards, say: "Great! My credit card was canceled for nonpayment, and I haven't been able to charge anything since. Fed-Ex the new card to me; charge it to my credit card." Click.

?Speaking of credit cards, if you stay on the line until it's time to close the deal, you'll be asked for your credit card number (Do you really want to give it to a stranger?) Say: "Sure, but I've reported the card stolen. I'm not certain what will happen to you when you try to use it. Do you?" A loud click.

?Should you receive a call offering something you know to be a scam, something too good to be true, try this: "That sounds like a really good deal, but I'll have to put you on hold for a moment I'm talking on the other line to the attorney general's Consumer Fraud Hotline." Click.

?To the lawn service telemarketers, say, "We don't need lawn service. We keep a herd of sheep in the backyard. They fertilize the grass, and keep it cut real short." Click.

Beware, Wimps. The game's afoot ...

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury College and a Springfield public relations consultant.)

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