Review: Trashy 'Basic Instinct 2' rivals 'Battlefield Earth'

Sharon Stone has “the leg crossing that launched a career.”

In Paul Verhoeven’s “Basic Instinct,” Stone’s character – the fatally “femme fatale” trash author Catherine Tramell – lit a cigarette, moved her legs and entangled a hopeless, hapless detective played by Michael Douglas as well as an audience of equally hapless men. She claimed she never knew the shot was going to be so explicit, but she protests too much.

While you’d think Douglas would have learned from his experience with Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction,” a multimillion dollar payday goes a long way to erase unpleasant memories.

If not, why would anybody think it was a good idea to resurrect the flash trash that was “Basic Instinct” with the mere trash that is “Basic Instinct 2?”

This is the most ludicrously awful film to come along since John Travolta’s “Battlefield Earth.” Hopefully, Tom Cruise, Travolta and the other mindless goons who subscribe to a religion created by a hack sci-fi writer (L. Ron Hubbard) won’t take The Springfield Business Journal to task as they did Comedy Central for an episode of “Southpark.”

The opinions expressed herein are the author’s alone and do not reflect any editorial agenda.

But really, Tom Cruise seems certifiably insane.

So does “Basic Instinct 2,” which I will purchase next fall a week after the 1,000 rental copies at Blockbuster become available for sale at $3.99.

A movie this awful deserves repeated viewings. I mean that with the highest respect.

If nothing else, one must submit friends and fellow movie buffs to the sheer torment that a film this horrible inflicts. Parties can be thrown that center around making comments – ala “Mystery Science Theater” – while viewing it. At least then the utter waste of celluloid used to print the movie will have some redeeming value.

I’m not even going to try and explain the storyline. In doing so I’d just be setting myself up for incarceration in the closest mental ward. No sane person could ever make sense of this mess.

Instead, let’s take a journey.

“Plan 9 From Outer Space,” directed by Ed Wood, is widely cited as the worst film ever made. After seeing it a few dozen times, I must respectfully disagree. “Basic Instinct 2” makes “Plan 9” seem like “Citizen Kane.”

Otto Preminger’s “Skidoo” features Jackie Gleason, Carol Channing, Peter Lawford, Mickey Rooney and Burgess Meredith. Groucho Marx plays God. That is pretty good casting to be sure. But “Skidoo” is so bad only masochistic film critics still watch it and revel in its utter awfulness. Some addicts of “cinema terrible” have even ordered it from clandestine online video companies. “Basic Instinct 2” makes “Skidoo” seem like “The Godfather.”

How awful was “The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu?” It was one of the few films I’ve ever walked out on. Peter Sellers was a comedic genius, and this posthumous film sullied his good name. For fans of the “Pink Panther” series and Seller’s other work – “Dr. Strangelove” comes to mind – it is utterly painful. “Basic Instinct 2” makes “The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu” seem like “Gone With the Wind.”

“The Wiz” also brings wonder. It’s hard to fathom how movie moguls enthralled with the “blaxploitation” movement of the 1970s ever thought a “souled-up” version of “The Wizard of Oz” might be a good idea.

Diana Ross is closer to being the new Michael Jackson (also in “The Wiz”) than she is to replacing an icon like Judy Garland. But “Basic Instinct 2” makes “The Wiz” seem like “The Wizard of Oz.”

Those who crave gratuitous nudity take note: Ms. Stone is not afraid to do a nude scene or two (or three). Her body is still in as good as shape as it was 14 years ago when “Basic Instinct” was released.

But her proclamations that she’s never had plastic surgery carry as much weight as Barry Bonds’ vehement denials of taking steroids. Stone looks like she’s had one of the newly perfected face transplants – one that didn’t quite take. She looks, facially anyway, downright scary.

Co-star Charlotte Rampling on the other hand looks as beautiful and comfortable at 60 as she did at 30. She, like David Thewlis, adds a touch of class to this bit of utter trash.

“Basic Instinct 2” is one of the most outrageously awful films ever made.