Review: ‘Jumper’ story laughable at best

Directed by: Doug Liman

Starring: Hayden Christensen, Jamie Bell, Rachel Bilson, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane, Michael Rooker, AnnaSophia Robb, Max Thieriot

Rated: PG-13

“Jumper,” the new film from director Doug Liman (“Swingers,” “The Bourne Identity”) is not as delightfully atrocious as “Battlefield Earth,” but it’s bad enough to qualify for the Hollywood Hall of Shame.

Liman hinted at his ability for directing tripe with “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” and seals the deal with “Jumper.”

Hayden Christensen, the actor who played the young Anakin Skywalker (later to become Darth Vader) in the “Star Wars” episodes II and III, is a moderate talent at best, and “Jumper” may relegate him to B (or C or D) movies for the remainder of his career. The person who gets my sympathy for her involvement in the film is Diane Lane. Lane has been a class act since her debut, at age 14, in “A Little Romance” in 1979. Since then she’s made some wise choices, usually choosing quality (“A Walk on the Moon,” “Under the Tuscan Sun”) over blatantly high-profile roles.

Samuel L. Jackson is also on hand. He seems to be doing an impression of Dave Chappelle doing an impression of Samuel L. Jackson. “Snakes on a Plane” was intentionally campy. I’m pretty sure “Jumper” isn’t that smart.

Now the hard part: Trying to explain the “plot.”

While Christensen plays the main character, David Rice, of the present time, we first see Rice in high school, played by Max Thieriot. Rice is an awkward kid, picked upon by the usual gang of bullies in films such as this.

After a humiliating scene – which involves Rice giving a girl a snow globe – he falls into an icy river and seems bound to die. Had he done so, the film would have ended at the proper time. Instead, the point of the film comes to the fore. Young David, while fighting for his life in the icy depths, miraculously transports himself to the local library.

He discovers he has the ability to “jump” from one physical location to another and begins to cultivate this talent. For some reason, he chooses places like the face of Big Ben and the head of the Sphinx to hang out.

But his favorite places are bank vaults, where he loads up money and jumps back to his seedy hotel room and, later, his posh mansion.

The authorities are baffled by these bank robberies.

That’s when Jackson, as Roland, shows up – complete with a ridiculous hairpiece that steals every scene.

The story tries to explain itself. There are other “jumpers.” David meets one and forms a temporary, uneasy alliance. Roland it turns out is a “paladin,” one of the people who since ancient times have sworn to track down and kill these jumpers because, as Jackson shouts several times, “Only God should have the power to do what you do!”

Lane plays David’s mom, who left her family when David was five (that’s important somehow), and she has some secrets of her own.

Probably the most terrifying part of “Jumper” is the ending. It screams “sequel.” If there is one, I’ll “jump” as far away from the theater as possible.

If you get a kick out of laughably bad filmmaking, by all means, see the movie. But see it when it comes out on DVD so you can moan loudly, laugh, yell and heckle. It’s rude to do that in the theater, even though everyone else will be thinking the same thing.

Jim Wunderle owns Wunderle Sound Services and is a Springfield freelance writer and musician. He can be reached at info@wunderlesound.com.[[In-content Ad]]