Reframe judgments to return to honesty with others

Marlene Chism, president of ICARE Presentations in Springfield, works with companies that want to build strong business relationships and with individuals who want to be better communicators.

Dear Marlene,

I have a law degree, but for personal reasons decided not to practice. Law school was horrifying and I can't imagine the profession being fulfilling.

Lately, I have been depressed and suffering from low self-esteem. I feel foolish to have spent my time and money obtaining a law degree only to abandon my plans. I'm seriously considering building a career as an independent paralegal where I can make money, use my education and have some flexibility.

I have a part-time job as a tutor and have been lying to people, telling them I already work as an independent paralegal and that business is booming and so on. I'm not normally a liar; to the contrary, I am a kind and honest person. My lying is a result of feeling humiliated that, despite my education, I am settling for working as a tutor (even though I actually love tutoring and find it rewarding).

At this point, my behavior with lying and embellishing stories about my life is quite disturbing. Do you have any practical ideas how I can stop this behavior?

Signed, The Pretender

Dear Pretender,

You are already halfway there because of your willingness to be honest with yourself and your willingness to change your behavior. There are several areas you can focus on for immediate changes: Reframe your judgments, fix the lie and monitor your communication.

First, let's reframe some of your judgments in life. First of all, be proud that you are intelligent enough and persistent enough to obtain your law degree. Perhaps practicing law is not the right choice for you in the traditional sense. Be thankful that you recognized this fact early instead of wasting years in a career that doesn't suit you.

There is no shame in the fact that you enjoy tutoring, or in the desire to experiment with your life. The shame is in the need to get approval from others and the dishonesty that has developed.

Second, the question is, how can you fix a lie in process? One option is to start working as an independent paralegal and do it part-time to see if it really suits you or not. When the subject comes up in conversation, say that there are things that you need to keep confidential right now and let the subject drop. Or, you can say that you have been re-assessing your life, have felt burned out, decided to take a sabbatical and you are going to decide how to design the rest of your life.

As a general rule, people connect more with someone who is searching for his or her purpose than someone who has all the answers. So let yourself be human, then refuse to talk about your situation any further. If it comes up in conversation simply respond by saying you made a promise to yourself that you are going to contemplate silently for a period of time without the distractions of other ideas and opinions. Make sure you let that person know that you appreciate his encouragement and support as you work to change your behavior.

Finally an immediate way to change the situation is through your communication. These communication techniques will help you turn things around:

Instead of talking about yourself, make it a game to draw others out;

View it as a treasure hunt as you find interesting things about others; and

Ask open-ended questions as you encourage them to continue.

Watch people's eyes light up when they become engaged in conversation and remember that most people want you to be impressed with them rather than the other way around. Here is something to consider: Perhaps one reason that you enjoy tutoring is because you are helping others to feel good about themselves, and in doing so it makes you feel good about yourself.

Every time you shine the spotlight on yourself you do two things: you make others envious, and you set yourself up for criticism. People naturally look for flaws in someone who seems to have it all.

Once you let go of your judgments, fix the lie and monitor your communication, you open the flow of possibilities. You will find the way to use your law degree and enjoyment of tutoring in a manner that is both financially and personally rewarding.