Poor conversational skills hurt business

Is it a lack of caring?

Is it poor upbringing?

Why do some people handle conversations so badly?

It might be three people in a car and one is excluded. It might be the lack of small talk in a job interview. It might be total silence at a business dinner. It might be that someone cannot converse with customers comfortably.

Whatever causes poor conversational exchanges, it is bad for business.

I know that I had an advantage growing up. Both of my parents taught me to converse with admonitions:

“Show some interest in the other person.”

“Ask questions.”

“Don’t talk too much.”

“Entertain Mrs. Smith while I get the iced tea.”

“Cut to the chase.” (When I went into too much detail.)

“Somebody just asked you a question, Sinara.”

Some of these cautions were whispered hurriedly in the kitchen. Others were part of a pre-party “lecture.”

It is more difficult to teach these skills to an adult and even more difficult for people to learn on their own.

Here are four tips that may help you in your next conversation:

1. Probe for more information. Some people think that they are being nosy if they ask questions of others. Don’t get me wrong. There are nosy questions. “How much did you make last year?” is a nosy question. “Where did you go on your trip to Florida?” is showing interest.

A good indicator of what to ask is the attitude of the speaker. Mentioning something in an enthusiastic manner tells you that they would like to discuss it. “I just closed the McPherson deal!” is an exclamation that begs to be probed:

“How did you close them?”

“Have you been working on it a long time?”

“Tell me all about it.”

2. Include everyone in the conversation. This is often difficult to do in groups, but it can be managed. The quickest way to demean someone and/or make them feel left out is to ignore them even if they are not part of the issue you are discussing.

Draw in others by saying:

“Have you heard about this new rule, Bill?’

“Sue, could you tell us about your experience with the Gonzalez deal?”

“Mary, you weren’t at our meeting last week, so you probably don’t know what we talked about. As a group, we decided that we are going to keep a notebook with all the client information here in the office. I’ll get you one of the template forms.”

3. Be interested in what the other person is saying. I mean genuinely interested. None of that looking over someone’s shoulder to see who just came in the room, looking at your watch, flipping through papers or going glassy eyed. Give others your full attention. Look ‘em in the eye!

4. Give others respect. You may be bored, busy or preoccupied. Make sure that you listen regardless. If you do not have time for a short meeting, say so. If you have to see someone else at a mixer, say so. If you have to leave in five minutes, say so.

Managers are often the worst abusers of this principle. They are proud of their “open door policy.” The problem is that they keep it open all the time!

Have you ever been in this situation? You ask your manager if he or she “has a minute?” The response is “sure!” You sit down and launch into an explanation. Halfway through it, the phone rings.

Manager: “I have to take this. I’m expecting a call.”

You sit like the eavesdropper you are until he or she finally hangs up.

Like a skipped CD, you start in again, whereupon Joe from down the hall sticks his head in and asks the manager: “I’m sorry to bother you, but …”

Instead of asking Joe to come back, your manager gets into the Joe situation and you are left twiddling your thumbs once again.

Now, what could have been a five-minute conversation has turned into a frustrating, irritating and possibly demeaning 15 to 20 minutes.

Respect your fellow conversationalists and you will save time and possibly money.

The most important thing to remember in a conversation is that it is a two-way street. Both parties will get more out of it if both parties can participate.

Sinara Stull O’Donnell is a professional speaker and writer through Springfield-based SinaraSpeaks. She is the author of “Be The Star Of Your Life: Are You Ready For Your Close-Up?”