Pet battle: 200-pound python 1; pit bull 0

If this column needs a title, let's call it "Tales From the Critter Kingdom."

It was a blurb in the Kansas City Star. A newspaper editor, like nature, abhors a vacuum; translation: Blank space. Blurbs are incidental items dredged up to fill spaces.

Without background information, the blurb simply reported that a 200-pound Burmese py-thon ate the snake owner's adult pit bull dog. That's not a typo, the snake ate swallowed, actually a full-grown pit bull; not a Pekinese, Chihuahua or some other small dog.

It could have been worse, it could have been a Saint Ber-nard.

You may be thinking that a pit bull would tear a python to shreds. True, if they met in fair fight, in nose-to-nose-combat. (Does a snake have a nose?) However, constrictors have in-credible strength; if one weighing 200 pounds were to attack from the back or drop from above and encircle a dog before it could twist around and bite into the snake, it's time to turn out the lights and call the law because the banquet is out of control!

This incident raises questions. What does the snake usually eat? Granted, anyone who would keep a 200-pound python around the house for a pet probably isn't eligible for a Mensa membership, but surely even he doesn't typically feed pit bulls to the critter. What does he feed them, horses?

It is hoped the nincompoop doesn't have a wife and/or children. If the snake can devour a dog as powerful as a pit bull, I assume it wouldn't be inconceivable that the critter might drop in on family members. The owner might want to consider the possibility that his python could have its eye on him for its next square meal.

Before the next critter tale, I want to alert all entrepreneurs out there. The "B" in SBJ stands for "business," right? You business types may not want to emulate the following "capitalists."

In the November 2001 issue of National Geographic is an article about Southeast Asian king cobras; you know, the hooded snakes that can stand up like a person and spit poisonous venom into the face of an antagonist. As an aside, it is reported in the text of this article that, like most snakes, cobras are very shy. "They just want to be left alone." All my life I have devoted myself to granting their wishes. I leave all snakes alone!

Specifically, some enterprising businesspeople live in Thailand. Villagers charge audiences to watch them perform various exploits with critters that are described in the text as "lightning fast and just as deadly." Let's see, we have a boxing match where a man hovers around a cobra I would describe the snake as agile, mobile and hostile allowing it to strike at his hand as he slaps at its head.

To assist in clarifying the situation, the single bite of a cobra can "kill an elephant."

Another photo shows a wo-man demonstrating a positive virtue of having a big mouth: She has the head of a full-grown king cobra stuffed into her mouth! Golly, I hope she is well-paid. Another photo shows a "teacher" holding a cobra up so his "student" can get down in front of the business end of the critter, learn to calm it and then kiss it on the head! The "student" either learns to do it and earns a living, or he becomes one who lives fast, dies young and makes a beautiful corpse.

Performers receive money from people willing to pay to watch and, are you ready for this? The "acts" are a come on to sell herbal medicines and snakebite cures. And you think you're in a tough business.

Moving from crawling critters to flying ones ducks this story comes from Monroe, Wash. I'm not a hunter nor a gun owner. I wouldn't dream of killing a duck. But duck hunting is legal. So be it. However, not everyone is as understanding as I; such as the Monroe animal rights group that appeared at a lake wildlife refuge where duck hunters were gathered.

The activists fired shotguns in the air, launched a 7-foot papier-mch duck (that surely would get the attention of ducks), and played a loud recording of clarinet music to scare away the ducks. Do ducks have a fear of clarinet music? Playing accordion or bagpipes music I might understand; but a clarinet? Oh, well. There is no report of dueling shotguns be-tween the groups. No human life or wildlife was lost.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury Un-iversity.)