Opinion: Truth may hurt but dishonesty breaks bonds

Whether it’s telling a baldfaced lie, a white lie, hiding your real agenda or failing to disclose important information, there are always logical reasons for dishonesty. December’s character word is “honesty,” and we’ll explore the ways we are dishonest and the seven ways to become more honest.

Real reasons

You let the account executive believe that the decision is “up to the committee” so that you wouldn’t have to face his disappointment. It just felt easier to hide the fact that you are the real decision maker.

Neither did you tell your employee the real reason she lost her job. You were afraid of sabotage or even a potential lawsuit.

You agreed to volunteer for the committee even though you wanted to say “no” because you think doing so might get you the “most distinguished good guy award.”

And you didn’t have the nerve to give your wife honest feedback that would have required you to say, “Yes, those pants really do make you look fat.” You’ve been down that road before and realized it simply isn’t worth getting the cold shoulder, and besides that, you aren’t in the mood to hear her dissertation about your shortcomings.

Yes, there are good reasons why most of us fail at the character trait of honesty. We’ve been taught that the truth hurts, and we’ve validated that belief as we experienced the anger, disapproval, confrontation or hurt feelings that others show us when we attempt to be honest. Or we’ve been at the receiving end of brutal honesty and have rejected honesty in favor of being more politically correct.

Honest advice

The real truth of the matter is this: We are not competent at the interpersonal skill of balancing honesty with sensitivity, humility and integrity, and we have not learned how to eliminate our need to control the behaviors and feelings of those around us.

Here are seven ways to become more honest.

1. Remember that business is like dating. Telling a half-truth only leads to more discouragement later. Don’t string anyone along making promises you don’t intend to fulfill. You’ll only have a tougher time breaking up later.

2. Become transparent. Make your intentions and motives known. Don’t invite someone to lunch under the pretense that you want to use their services only to try to get them interested in selling your Amway, Mary Kay or any other network-marketing program. Tell them why you really want to meet and chances are they’ll meet with you anyway.

3. Encourage others to be honest. If you blow up every time someone gives you honest feedback, you’re setting yourself up for a dishonest relationship. Be willing to hear what someone has to say even if it initially stings your ego.

4. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. If you’re just brainstorming or need a sounding board, say so. If you really want an opinion, ask for it – then consider the source. If you want advice, ask an expert.

5. Guard yourself. Be ready to respond instead of defaulting to reaction. Have a statement in your back pocket for those times when you might otherwise be caught off-guard. “Let me think about that” or “I want to hear more but need some time to process,” is enough time to gather your thoughts or to decide if you need to reschedule a time to continue the conversation.

6. Question unclear motives. Don’t let someone use you for a doormat. Honesty isn’t an excuse for someone to wipe his feet on you. If someone is always “being honest” with you at the expense of your respect, a simple question addresses the behavior and lays the cards on the table: “Have I irritated you?” or “Are you angry about something?” This strategy will result in one of three outcomes: an affirmation, an apology or an excuse.

An affirmation helps you address the problem. The apology gets you back on level ground. If you get an excuse, refer back to the previous tip.

7. Forgive. Be willing to forgive those who struggle with the concept of honesty. Forgive yourself if you sometimes fail to be honest.

Marlene Chism is a relationship development expert, who works with companies to increase productivity and teamwork. She can be contacted through www.stopyourdrama.com.[[In-content Ad]]