Opinion: Test pattern beats Oscars as TV viewing

First, Academy Awards predictions. In the early days of television, test patterns appeared on the screen when stations were off the air. I don’t believe they exist anymore. If they did, I would just as soon watch one as I would the Academy Awards.

Oh, I know, on occasion, a real person like Clint Eastwood or Tom Hanks is honored, but mostly the broadcast features millionaires taking bows for being so wonderful and, yes, so relevant.

They brag about how their work resonates with the ordinary folks who buy the tickets. I can think of no better example of resonating with the public than this year’s Oscar to the best movie song: ‘’It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp.”

I don’t know about you, but the trials and tribulations of a pimp out there don’t resonate with me.

I read that the lyrics of this artistic triumph were so filled with expletives that the TV performance had to be edited. As I understand it, the lyrics of the song honored by the Academy as the best Hollywood had to offer were so off-color they weren’t fit for TV. Test pattern, anyone?

Based on the pre- and post-media Academy Awards hoopla, the outfits worn at the ceremony were almost as important as the Oscar winners.

Because movie stars’ ceremonial garb is so newsworthy, I have some predictions about future award categories. Call them the Red Carpet Costumes Awards. Give Oscars to what seems really important in Hollywood: Who looks the best.

Future Oscars would be awarded to:

1. The male and female stars wearing the most outlandishly extravagant outfits costing more than the annual income of anyone in the TV audience whose name isn’t Bill Gates.

2. An Oscar to the female star whose gown is adorned with the largest number of gaudy jewels. To even qualify, the jewels must outweigh the lady wearing the gown.

3. The male star wins an Oscar for wearing an outfit so over the top that if he were to wear it into any self-respecting bar, he would be thrown out.

4. An Oscar to the female wearing the most revealing gown, one that comes CLOSEST to getting her arrested for violating the decency code. Competition will be tough; we are talking a Hollywood decency code, after all.

While on the subject of the Academy Awards, I’ve been thinking about the ever-improving technology in computer-generated characters appearing in computer games.

The day will come soon when viewers can’t recognize a created person from a real one. What if future movies were made starring fake actors? Moviemakers could save millions in salaries, leaving even more dollars for special effects.

Directors wouldn’t have to deal with giant Hollywood egos. The computer characters would never age, and they would never need facelifts or tummy tucks. Both male and female actors would be created to look exactly like directors want them to look. When they lose their star appeal, erase them.

I’m excited. This prediction has potential.

Enough about Hollywood. This prediction needs to be made right now. It’s about to happen.

Anyone who remembers when AT&T was the only telephone company also remembers the deregulation of the industry, which led to all sorts of competition among telephone companies. The so-called Baby Bells, regional outlets of AT&T, broke off from ‘Ma Bell’ and went out on their own. Over time, the Baby Bells grew while AT&T shrunk.

My ‘’safe’’ prediction is that deregulation will be reversed. SBC, formerly Southwestern Bell, just merged with AT&T and changed its logo to the lowercase at&t. The new conglomerate is now in the process of purchasing BellSouth. The $67 billion deal also includes Cingular Wireless.

Time was when AT&T was THE telephone company: It’s coming back.

Everything old is new again – a safe prediction, indeed.

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.