Beginning a relationship is easy.
Exploration is predominantly on the surface. Nothing is too deep or too revealing. In the beginning, all is well. Friendships blossom. Feelings emerge.
It’s like dancing at a nightclub. You kind of get to know the other person without touching them. Watch them move, see their rhythm, exchange smiles, scream a word or two, and at the end of the song, thank the person for their time.
You get to know them, and decide if you want to dance again. If you like them, and believe you have some things in common, you may dance again.
If you feel good about the relationship, and a bit of trust emerges, you may permit a transaction to take place. A meeting, a dinner, a sale or even a kiss in a social setting.
As the relationship matures, facts and truths begin to reveal themselves, causing decisions to be made about the future of the relationship.
And one day, you begin to see things you’ve never seen before. Life and business life take over, and reality sets in based on daily transactions and interactions, coupled with patience, emotions, feelings and responses.
I’m talking about measuring value, worth and trust of the relationship.
I’ll refer to these elements as edges. You have edges or levels, past which you will not go. All kinds of levels: tolerance, social, service, philosophical and business. If someone tries to go past your edge, because of your tolerance level, you’ll rebuff or deny them. Maybe you’ll even dismiss them.
Your compatibility for and with the other person’s edges, combined with your acceptance of their edges, will determine how the relationship grows or dies.
For example, I’m not a smoker. Nor am I much of a drinker. If I’m around a drinking smoker, it’s past my edges, and I don’t want to be around them much.
I may have a business relationship with a smoking drinker, but I’d never have a social relationship.
There are ethical edges, both personal and business. If someone goes past your ethical edges, you have a reaction of danger. It can be as innocent as cheating on your golf score, or as serious as cheating on your taxes or not paying your bills. It can be an erroneous invoice or an unmet crucial delivery date – but whatever it is, it’s a relationship breaker.
Then there are the emotional edges. It shows when something goes wrong or in a point of argument. It also relates to how you feel about or judge their reaction. Are they whiny or quick-tempered? Are they abrasive or abusive? Are they somewhat of a wildcard flying off the handle? Or worse, are they showing characteristics that you either don’t like or you fear? Something like a temper, hostility, vindictiveness, anger or insult – even the threat of physical violence.
In other words, are they inside (safe) or outside (unsafe) your emotional edge?
Edges have a counterpoint: tolerance. You can tolerate almost anything for a short space of time. But each time someone goes over your edge, you become less tolerant, either verbally or silently.
Personally, I believe thoughts past the edge are more dangerous and more powerful. They’re left unsaid and allow the present situation to continue. They begin to deepen and build emotion. And like any latent power, eventually, it explodes.
What are your edges? Where do you draw the line? What are you willing to accept in others in order to continue a relationship?
I’m challenging you to widen your field of acceptable edges. Extend your patience. Figure out how you can help first rather than complain, nag, bicker, nitpick or whine. Figure out how you can compromise a bit more and have more understanding and empathy for another position or situation. And figure out how you can be more of a resource than a resister – more of a yes than a no.
Your personal edges determine your business and career edges. They also determine your happiness.
Jeffrey Gitomer, author of “The Little Red Book of Selling” and 11 other titles, is president of Charlotte, N.C.-based Buy Gitomer. He gives seminars, runs annual sales meetings and conducts Internet training programs on sales and customer service at Gitomer.com. He can be reached at salesman@gitomer.com.
