Opinion: Human evolution trails modern habits

Balancing plates, goodies of all shapes and sizes, drinks, toothpicks, napkins, etc. is an awesome task. Women may add a purse to the mix. At the time of the original column, smoking at the table wasn’t the social infamy it is today; managing a cigarette would have further complicated the process. Taking the place of the smoker of yesterday would be the rude grazer blabbing away on a cell phone while eating.

I stand by my original forecast: Assuming social grazing continues, after about 200 years, a third arm will grow out of the shoulder – which one depends on whether one is right- or left-handed.

The new arm was foreseen as short and flat, hence I named it Stubus Flatus. The new arm would provide the means to store food and drinks, leaving two hands and arms to gather more stuff to consume. Ladies’ purses could hang from it.

The new arm hasn’t yet appeared. Evolution takes a long time.

I’m comfortable enough to make other forecasts.

About the time the Stubus Flatus begins to appear, the Backpackus Indentus also will materialize. It will develop among teenagers carrying ultraheavy backpacks everywhere they go. The heavy weight pulling at their backs could cause them to list to the stern when walking.

To offset the danger of falling over backwards, nature would respond by creating indentations between the shoulders, concocting a spot where backpacks more or less snuggle in between the shoulders, creating a new center of gravity.

Granted, the Stubus Flatus and the Backpackus Indentus will create some problems with upper torso clothing; however, designers have two centuries to prepare.

I’m on a roll with this forecast thing.

Here’s another physical adaptation to accommodate the environment: A third eye will emerge in the middle of the forehead. Much of the time, the eye will be dormant; however, it will open and spring into action anytime one encounters unintelligible writing in owners’ manuals and installation or assembly instructions.

Here’s the deal: When the brain recognizes mindless lingo, the special eye immediately clears away all other sights and sounds, filters out any drivel and mutes the natural responses of shouting out expletives that can’t be repeated here. The eye and the mind will come together and decode the nonsense. Not surprisingly, the formal name will be Decodus Nonsensus.

Likewise, assuming cell phones will continue to be a vital part of life, the human body will need to adapt.

The cell phone today isn’t just a means of communication, it is an absolute necessity. It is right up there with air and water as a survival necessity. One might fail to wear a coat when going out in a snowstorm but would never go out without a cell phone.

Regardless of how modern your cell phone might be, it is in process of becoming obsolete. As we speak, techno features you haven’t even thought of are being incorporated into your next phone.

As a result, human evolution will shift again. I foresee the phone condensed into a tiny device with unlimited communication and entertainment potential. It will be implanted somewhere in the body. The sounds will be transmitted to the ears, which will have to grow in order to take it all in.

People in the future will be proud of the elephant-like receivers growing out of their modern heads. Can you say Elephantoutus Recieverius?

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.