Opinion: Current events turn philosophical prose into nuggets of truth

I assume he was calling me a down-home sort as opposed to an ivory-tower philosopher. I suppose this is as good a description as any. Truth be told, I spent some of my vacation time gazing off into space contemplating various shirttail philosophical things.

A philosopher, shirttail or otherwise, should be expected to issue esoteric observations on life. So be it.

Sports and luxury

In the motion picture, “Field of Dreams,” James Earl Jones’ character assured Kevin Costner’s character, “If you build it, they will come.”

He is referring to building a baseball field in the middle of an Iowa cornfield. The phrase has become a sort of esoteric reflection on having faith in the future.

Considering the current trend where “obsolete” athletic stadiums – some built in the 1960s – are replaced by new ones, the phrase needs to be updated: “If you rebuild it and include lots of plush luxury suites, those able to afford them will come.”

As you can see, the shirttail philosopher creates “wise” comments to reflect the present.

A bit of philosophical advice says, “When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.” Let’s build on that: “If life gives you a lemon, sue the lemon’s manufacturer and the car dealer who sold it to you.”

Another shirttail axiom rewords an old one: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a horse fly.”

I know that may not make much sense – we shirttail philosophers don’t have to explain them, we just create them. Trust me, a horse not flying is a deep notion.

An update to an old truism leaves us with: “Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door; have a garage sale, and the world will block traffic in the street in front of your door.”

Traffic truth

The rules governing traffic patterns at four-way stop intersections are designed by engineers and the like.

To my knowledge, no philosopher has ever addressed the reality of traffic flow. I am about to change that: “At four-way stop signs, the right of way belongs to the one who believes it belongs to him, and he is willing to prove it at all costs.”

This bit of wisdom is negated if at the same moment, two drivers believe they have the right of way. If so, let them work it out among themselves.

The passage of time has often been subject to wise scrutiny. For instance, “Time waits for no man.” This bit of wisdom is trumped by every man who has waited for his wife to get ready to go out. He knows that time definitely waits for her.

The poet may portray a situation as one where “time stands still.” The realist will say that time is time, it passes and cannot speed up or stand still. Well, the shirttail response is “those who deny that time can’t stand still have never attended an accordion recital.”

Time can indeed stand still for a very long time. A split second is a short time span. Just how short is it?

A split second is the length of time between a stoplight turning green and the first honking horn.

A split second is the time it takes for the first “no” to be heard in response to someone in a group asking if it’s OK to smoke.

A final measurement of a split second is the time it takes me to hit the mute button when a screaming car commercial comes on TV.

An old sports cliché implies that “nice guys finish last.” It becomes an out-and-out truism when made to include coaches and managers: “Nice guys, bad guys, all guys who finish last will soon be unemployed.”

For the time being, my work here is done.

However, the duties of a shirttail philosopher are never completely done. Bits of Rusty Saber wisdom may come now and again.

You have been warned.

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.[[In-content Ad]]