Opinion: Common phrases precede bad news, prompt anxiety

For instance, I dread hearing what comes next after a police officer approaches my car and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast you were driving?” Nothing good is going to happen here.

There are many such comments.

• “Some assembly required.” A sobering thought, indeed.

Master carpenters or engineers might not be intimidated. Not being either, the statement intimidates the fire out of me. My mind’s eye conjures up images of parts left over at the close of the assembly process.

• I bristle when a phone call is answered with an electronic voice: “Your call is important to us.”

Sure it’s important – so important that I will drift off, to be lost in a vapid emptiness called “hold” for who knows how long.

A similar version of this telephone strategy features a disembodied voice running through numbers to push in order to reach the person with whom I wish to speak.

• On an airplane, I hate to hear instructions from a flight attendant beginning with: “In the unlikely event … .”

I know they have to do it, but the unlikely event is going to be some sort of highly unpleasant situation that I don’t want to think about.

• TV announcements can be harbingers of things I don’t want to hear.

I’m aware that “a few words from our sponsors” will include a lot more than a few words.

This is like saying a dictionary contains a few words.

“The following program contains material that may not be suitable for all audiences” is another in the TV realm. Considering the sexy, violent situations and language used in today’s programs having no warnings, I shudder to think about what is so naughty and/or sinister that content warnings are required.

You have seen TV commercials for prescription drugs hyped as miracle cures for everything from dandruff to athlete’s foot. You are urged to bring your doctor up to date about the miracle cure. The part I really hate is the disclaimer, which warns the drug “may contain certain side effects that could include …” A litany follows of the effects on any of us walking upright and having opposable thumbs.

“We interrupt this program to bring you this special news bulletin” never delivers a feel-good story. It may be something I probably need to hear, but the odds are that it’s going to be bad news.

I cringe when a news anchor’s story begins with, “Today, the surgeon general announced … .”

When was the last time the surgeon general announced a good thing about anything you eat, drink or breathe? This announcement usually condemns something I like to do.

• In everyday relationships, folks use phrases to lead into irksome outcomes.

“I hate to be the one to tell you.” No. This person is bursting at the seams to tell me whatever it may be.

“Remember, you didn’t hear this from me.” The best response to this disclaimer: “You’re right, I’m not going to hear it from you.” If this joker doesn’t want to be associated with whatever it is, neither do I.

“I don’t know how to tell you this.” Some way, this person will figure a way to tell it all and will enjoy it.

“We have always been friends.” From this point on, nothing friendly is going to be said.

“I’ve got good news and bad news.” What are the odds that the bad news will outweigh the good by a country mile?

“I bet you don’t remember who I am.” Oh, how I hate this dialogue. Unless I hit it lucky and do remember face and/or name, it’s instant embarrassment.

• Perhaps the most scary prologue of all: “I’m doing this for your own good.” This interpersonal chestnut may end with, “Someday you’ll thank me for this.”

Nothing pleasant is likely to transpire between the two comments.

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.