Opinion: Caring for yourself may add to others' lives

Whether it’s an employee, a co-worker, a friend or a relative, you can probably bring to mind those who add to your life and those who subtract from your life.

When you are around people who add to your life, you feel energized, understood, safe and part of a team. You look forward to being in their company. When people add to your life, you sense that they care for you and take your needs into consideration.

Conversely, when you are around those who subtract from your life, you feel the energy drain and the negativity. You dread being around these kinds of people.

This brings to mind this month’s character word: Caring.

You experience care – or a lack of it – every day in your business transactions, known as internal or external customer service. You either get good service at a restaurant or you don’t. The account executive either solved your problem or made excuses as to why it couldn’t be done. Your co-worker either did his fair share or left you hanging. Your boss either gives you the resources to succeed or looks for ways to blame you for the lack of productivity.

The same principles apply in your personal life. Your spouse works with you as part of a team or takes advantage of your good nature. Your friends either share in your success, or they discount or upstage you. It is through our personal and professional relationships that we experience caring or the lack thereof.

As you reflect on the ways in which you can add to the lives of others, it is important to recognize that you can’t give that which you don’t have. If you haven’t taken care of the relationship you have with yourself, chances are you have very little to add to relationships with others. You either add to your own life, or you take away from it. You either betray yourself on a regular basis or you are your own best friend.

Most of us fail to care for ourselves on a regular basis. I know this based on my continuing research and surveys I conduct before many of my speaking engagements. In two recent surveys, one that included 177 people and another that included 40 people, the results were similar.

In both surveys, more than 60 percent of the respondents said they were “hard on themselves.” More than 40 percent admitted to these other three things: “I often feel guilty,” “I have a hard time saying no,” and “I juggle way too many responsibilities.”

If you were to make a list of the ways you “subtract” from your own life, the list might include these things: Saying “yes” when you need to say “no.” Failing to keep commitments to yourself, such as the commitment to working out or scheduling some down time or failing to get regular medical checkups. You might also add habits such as discounting your abilities, talking negatively about yourself and skipping sleep so you can get one more thing accomplished.

Add those qualities to settling for less in your relationships and letting others get by with sarcasm and rude behavior, and it’s no wonder most of us are feeling overwhelmed, overworked and underappreciated. The list could go on and on. I challenge you to make your own list.

In another recent survey, I asked the participants this question: What would be a “piece of heaven” for you? Eighty percent said spending more time with family and friends would be heaven on earth, and another 47 percent said that reading a good book or eating a great meal would be heaven on earth.

Once you are finished with your first list about ways you subtract from your own life, make another list. This list is entitled, “Ways I can become my own best friend.” The list might include the following: Set appropriate boundaries. Get enough sleep. Schedule time to read a good book. Say “no” when I already know I’m not going to put full effort into the volunteer work that I have absolutely no interest in. Be OK with others who don’t understand my decisions. Laugh more at work and at home. Lower the bar occasionally. Commit to excellence. Let go of perfection. And get together more often with family and friends.

If you can change some of these habits, you will add to your own life and as a result have more to give to others. I guarantee you’ll feel more cared for, and you might even experience a little piece of heaven on earth.

Marlene Chism is a relationship development expert, who works with companies to increase productivity and teamwork. She can be contacted through www.stopyourdrama.com.