Opinion: Ancient rocker, shoes on display in rare forms

Both are well-qualified topics. Let me explain my dilemma. As everyone knows, the Rolling Stones – who have been rolling for so long they surely have gathered just a little moss – postponed a May concert tour due to Richards falling out of a palm tree in Fiji. Richards is 62 and apparently knew little about palm trees; otherwise he would not have ventured up one.

On my yearly sojourn to Maui, I live in close proximity to numerous palm trees. The only climbers I know of go up with spiked shoes and a safety belt.

They do it to trim the trees and remove coconuts before they fall on the heads of tourists.

Palm trees are like telephone poles with limbs toward the top; hence, they should be climbed like telephone poles.

Foolish or drunk

The question I have never heard asked, let alone answered, is why a man long eligible for AARP membership was climbing a palm tree, a difficult tree to climb? I have to conclude that to do so, a climber would either have to be under the influence of adult spirits or plain old foolish.

Surely, one foolish enough or drunk enough to climb a palm tree would be foolish enough or drunk enough to fall out of one on his head. I assume Richards’ injury could be called a head case. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.) Fortunately, with healed head, the Geriatric Gyrators have rescheduled their concert tour.

This farcical event is a Rusty Saber sure thing.

On the other hand

But then, the Andy Rooney shoe display is equally tempting. What makes the incident on a recent CBS “60 Minutes” broadcast an irresistible column topic is that in order to make his point, Andy’s shoe wardrobe became a visual aid.

A network TV commentary about shoes featuring the shortcomings of a motley band of decrepit-looking shoes that hurt one or the other of his feet?

My reasoning is that if a major network news program allows air time for a look at a shoe collection, surely, a writer can use it as fodder for a column.

If I were to opt for the shoes of Andy Rooney as a column topic, I would explain that as the TV camera scanned the vista of old shoes laid out on his desk, Andy discussed that his feet aren’t the same size, yet both left and right shoes are the same size.

I couldn’t help but think of a put-down line used by some long-forgotten comedian: “He’s a good kid, but his feet don’t match.”

The gist of Rooney’s TV-show rant was that one or the other of his shoes never fit properly. Although the feet of some may not be exactly the same size, my rant is that shoes that are marked in my size may not be that size.

With me, if one shoe is ill-fitting, so is the other.

If I had Andy Rooney’s TV audience, I could point to my shoes on display to amplify my subject, which is this: Shoes should be the size marked on them. I could show the TV audience two pairs of shoes in my display that fit perfectly, yet one is a half-size larger than the other.

I could lead the camera to my favorite walking shoes that are a full size larger than I usually wear. Normally, my feet would be lost inside shoes that size. If given the opportunity, I would tell Andy that although his problem and mine are slightly different, I understand his one-big-foot, one-little-foot challenge.

I would, however, refrain from informing him that the shoes he said were his, laid out for the world to see on network TV, were among the ugliest collection I have ever seen.

Try as I will, I cannot decide which of these topics to write about. Hopefully, I will decide before my deadline comes and goes.

Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury University.