New century calls for new twists on storytelling

A new century brings about change. What was appropriate in the old century may not be so in the new one. Traditionally, 20th century parents told their children how tough life was in their day.

These "slightly exaggerated" anecdotes came in reaction to kid's grumbling about the here and now. The typical parental response: "Why, when I was your age, I walked seven miles to school in snow up to my waist, barefooted, carrying school books, my homework as-signments and my tuba."

When 21st century kids be-come parents, they might say to unhappy teenagers: "Why, when I was your age, I had to drive to school in a used Toyota with no CD player only a radio with tinny little speakers; with the volume up all the way, no one could feel the earth vi-brate!"

Other bad old days from the past were described by 20th century parents: "When I was your age, we didn't have a television set or a stereo; all we had was an AM radio, no FM." Today's teenagers will one day tell their kids: "When I was your age, my laptop computer was so obsolete it didn't even have Windows 2000. If that's not bad enough, no DVD player; we had to watch movies on a VCR and you think you have it tough!"

Past mother-daughter debates regarding daughter's desire to look more "grown-up" would have had the 20th century mother issuing a decree: "No, young lady, 14 is too young to have your ears pierced and to wear makeup! Why, my mother wouldn't let me wear earrings and use lipstick, let alone makeup, until I was 18!"

Today's teenage girls will re-ply to the their daughters' pleas that "all my friends get to do it" with: "When I was your age, my mother wouldn't let me wear lipstick and makeup, or have my ears, nose, tongue and navel pierced for body jewelry until I was 10. If it was good enough for me, it's good enough for you!"

Another genre in line for 21st century updating is children's bedtime stories "Little Red Riding Hood," for instance. The story is OK up to the point where Red actually believes a wolf dressed in nightclothes is her grandmother. No 21st century kid will believe anyone could be that dense. Presto, make it relevant by adding to the story that Red has a poor attention span.

Kids can relate to that; it wasn't her fault that she couldn't tell the difference between granny and the wolf. Psycho-babble to the rescue.

The story needs a 21st century update at the point where the woodsman rescues Red by dispatching the wolf to lobo heaven with his trusty ax. In the new version, the police immediately break down the cottage door and arrest the woodsman. Say what? That's right, since wolves were being reintroduced into the forest, this one was a protected species; it was a felony to harm even a hair on his head.

The controversial case at-tracts national attention. Larry King interviews the woodsman's lawyer, Johnny Cochran. Red appears on the "Oprah" show. The wolf's funeral is shown on national TV. The Na-tional Rifle Association happily points out that the weapon was a registered ax, not a gun. In the end, almost everybody lives happily ever after: Red sells the movie rights for a bundle; charges against the woodsman are dropped because the police didn't have a warrant nor did they read him his Miranda rights.

Also, nursery rhymes, such as "Jack and Jill," need updating. The original ends with Jack falling down the hill and Jill tumbling after. Add the following scene of Jack's mother at the hospital: "Why did you let that little troublemaker Jill talk you into climbing the hill? What's wrong with the water down here? Now you've broken your crown. That's what you get for showing off on a hill. Who knows how long it takes to heal a broken crown? Our health insurance doesn't even cover broken crown repair."

Jill's mother admonishes her: "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, Jack is a no-good bum! You fell for his fetch a pail of water' line. Did he tell that water up there was like Perrier? Jack got what was coming to him. You're lucky you didn't break your crown, too. You are grounded for a month, and you are not to climb up hills or any place else with Jack!"

The story ends with Jack's and Jill's parents jointly suing the owner of the land on the hill, claiming the water was an "attractive nuisance." All ex-cept the land owner and his insurance company-lived happily ever after.

(Joe McAdoo is former chairman of the communication department at Drury Un-iversity.)