Make up dot.com losses by pursuing bright ideas

Missed the boom times of the late 90s? Do not despair. The day of opportunity has not passed you by.

For those of you frustrated because your dot.com went dot.bust, here are some guaranteed opportunities to feather your empty financial nest.

For those of you constantly chasing the brass ring, get ready to latch on to some great ideas. And, if you have never won anything (door prizes, raffles, polyure-thane-stuffed corn dogs at the Ozark Empire Fair), this is your moment in the sun!

The best part of this column is these ideas are free. In the next few lines I will pepper your imagination with one business blockbuster after another. All I'm asking is that when you become a multimillionaire cruising Table Rock in your gold-leaf-trimmed Bass Pro Party Barge, drop me a note.

OK, here we go. Get a pad and pencil ready.

You will reap bushels of cash when you create a method for human beings, with fingers, to open the plastic shrink-wrap on CD music albums. What is the deal with these demon-possessed, transparent torture chambers for our digits?

After picking with fingernails, nail files and broken, used toothpicks for hours, the hapless consumer, I am convinced, will cheerfully hand over cash, credit cards and children for a remedy.

Now, let's move on to the ubiquitous cardboard container of milk. Have you ever tried to open one of these pesky pints with a pencil? Have you been rewarded for your punctuated persistence with a gaping opening on the side of the carton which requires a 90-degree pour position?

Why can we perform noninvasive arthroscopic surgery, enter 10,000 names and addresses on a device that is no larger than your hand, and clone ourselves (now, how is that for bad science!), but not find a way to open a container of milk without baptizing ourselves in the process? This is a sleeper opportunity with a payoff of very big bucks.

Whoa! Let's not forget the cell phone. I think someone could unseat Bill Gates as the world's richest man with the development of what I call the "non-yell cell phone." You know what I mean!

There has to be a way to invent a cell phone with a mouthpiece that muffles the volume of the caller's voice. I am so tired of listening to people scream out their private conversations in public places. You would think we are all in training to become radio announcers selling used cars.

Have you ever wondered what physiological thing happens to the larynx when someone uses a cell phone? Quiet, unassuming wallflowers become chair-throwing Bobby Knights. I have been in restaurants where I heard every word 40 feet away! Am I really interested that your thyroid is acting up again? I don't think so.

We haven't even hit the big leagues yet.

Who out there has a creative idea on how to keep the TV remote from disappearing? The nightly search-and-rescue operations are becoming just a bit tedious with sofa cushions pinwheeling into the air and furtive, sightless, exploratory hands waving back and forth under every piece of furniture.

Oh no, I'm running out of space. It is time for the fast-and-dirty bulleted items. Don't throw this column away! Look at this list of millionaire-making opportunities:

A clothes dryer that does not eat socks;

Building and running a restaurant that specializes in serving breakfast where you do not stick to every flat surface;

A place to go camping that does not remind anyone of a scene from "Deliverance";

A foolproof training program for men that will guarantee the lid will be lowered and hands will be washed.

The opportunities are legion; the solutions few. This is your day!

(Dr. Cal LeMon solves organizational problems with customized training and consulting. His company, The Executive Edge, can be contacted via the Business Journal at sbj@sbj.net.)